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499 Rules of Doom 
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Joined: Fri Jun 29, 2007 3:11 am
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Post 499 Rules of Doom

i'm guessing this belongs here. does anyone have that list from the old site? i used to have it saved on my laptop but that died.

or should we start a new one? haha

"The end, again, comes quickly. There will be no pity. A process of revealing. With no apologies, no regrets, she said destroy. Destroy, she said..."

Fri Jun 20, 2008 4:45 am
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Yup, here it is. Beerman added 100s of rules to the original 25 or so. Funny as hell. I've edited the list a bit and corrected some errors (mainly spelling mistakes).

The 499 Rules of Doom Metal

Chapter 0

1. Life is too short to experience all that is good.
2. Life is too long to enjoy living.
3. Every day is a funeral.
4. Do not wear anything but flat black clothes and combat boots.
5. Do not smile.
6. Do not laugh.
7. Death Doom is not slow Death Metal, unless you think it is.
8. Doom Metal is not Death Metal with a violin.
9. No matter what anyone says, that vocalist is not the Cookie Monster.
10. I said "No laughing!!!"
11. No matter what anyone says, you're not a Goth.
12. While a black teddy bear with a broken heart hanging from a noose on your windshield may very well symbolize your tortured inner nature, it's not very metal.
13. It is acceptable to listen to non-doomy music if you play it at 1/4 of its normal tempo.
14. You may complain about an album's production unless it is a Thergothon release.
15. You will own Thergothon's 'Stream from the Heavens', but never listen to it because of the bad sound quality.
16. Spend years looking for that extremely rare limited to 500 copies vinyl only release that you must own, then listen to it twice in your lifetime.
17. You must never admit to liking a "fast part" on a Doom CD, unless it is Disembowelment.
18. Watch incomprehensible cult movies with no plot, storyline or anything remotely interesting happening because "it's doomy!".
19. You can make fun of Nazis unless the said Nazi is Fucked up Mad Max. Then you can overlook his beliefs because his "music was good".
20. Album covers must contain one of the following: ruins, spirits in agony, a cemetary sculpture of an angel, or a pretty painting of heaven.
21. But you're not a Goth!
22. As a doomster, you're too apathetic to engage in silly music genre debates.
23. Unless someone calls you Gothic, then it's on.
24. Always let your goat listen first to a new CD, so she may consider if it's good or bad for you.
25. Kitty cats are not appropriate pets unless they're black and depressed.
26. You must appreciate folk polka metal because polka is dark, emotional and "…really doomier than Serenades when you think about it."
27. Consider yourself open-minded about music.
28. Consider all other metal narrow-minded, especially "True Norwegian Black Metal"!
29. Ignore the contradiction of the above two rules.
30. If you're a Traditional Doom fan, you must complain endlessly about My Dying Bride, and call all the non-trad fans "Gothic Fags." Also complain about Droning Doom because it's not music.
31. If you're a Sludge Doom fan moan that Trad Doom is really Heavy Rock.
32. If you're a Stoner Doom Fan, you are not paranoid. They are all out to get you.
33. If you're a Doom/Death fan, you must complain endlessly about Droning Doom because it's even slower and more boring than what you listen to. Also complain about Trad Doom because half the vocalists sound like they've been castrated.
34. If you're a fan of Droning Doom, you're probably too busy zoning on the droning to be reading this list, or to even care.
35. Remember Rule 22. You do not engage in silly music genre debates.
36. If someone says Doom Metal is a mix between Death Metal and Gothic Metal, kick him in the nuts (assuming he has some, and you're not fixated on an Earth CD at the time, in which case you probably wouldn't hear a word he said anyway).
37. Make sure your CD's artwork includes a big thank you to all those imaginary friends that helped you out, including the guy who made the coffee, just in case everyone starts calling you 'Billy-No-Mates'.
38. If you find yourself describing your favourite piece of music as "Joyful," "A bright ray of sunshine," or "the super happy fun song," there's a slight chance that it's not Doom.
39. Doom Reviews containing descriptions such as "Crushing," "Monolithic," "Depressive," and "Suicidal" are good reviews… and yes, these are complimentary terms!
40. If you feel down, then listen to some truly soul crushing, suicidal Doom to cheer you up.
41. If you are Doom, you are probably from Finland or Yorkshire.
42. Even if you're not Doom, if you're from Finland, you're probably still a miserable bastard.
43. No matter how slow you play, you can always play slower.
44. If there are more than 30 beats per minute, the music is too fast.
45. If you play anything above 30 bpm, you are probably Pop music, unless you are Disembowelment.
46. If Skepticism suddenly decides to play something above 30 bpm, then we will make an exception for them too, but this is very unlikely.
47. Make sure to include such words as 'Emptiness', 'Dying', 'Solitude', 'Cold', 'Night', 'Despair', 'Demon', 'Caress', 'Darkness', and 'Shadows' in your band name, song titles, and lyrics. Arrange them in faux poetic ways such as "In the Cold Demon's Caress, I lay Dying," "Dark Emptiness," "In Demonic Shadows, I Despair." "Empty Shadows of Death," and one that every true doomster should relate to: "Nights of Solitude".
48. Only the first two albums of a band are True™ Doom.
49. Disband after the first album or mini-cd and you're CULT!
50. Never let your audience know if your new song is an instrumental or not until you really have to. Give them at least 3 minutes to guess how the song will turn out.
51. Record 6 songs that span over the length of 2 full CDs. Obviously intro's, outro's and short intermezzo's (on both disks) are included in the song count.
52. You must make fun of Black Metal musicians taking pictures in the woods. Promptly afterwards you will have your band-mate follow you into a thicket by the local cemetery with a 35mm camera for "band shots".
53. True™ Doom lyrical content must include references to: a relative, spouse, fiancée or pet dying, or abstract explorations of getting dumped by your girlfriend.
54. If you reference all of the above in a single song, you qualify for "Sooper Dooper Pooper Scooper True Cult Doom" status. An example of this would be: "Rover has passed into the frozen wastes of Kadath, and my heart has been rent from my ribcage by thee, temptress bitch."
55. There have to be at least 3 different songs with the same name in your repertoire. (You may put a number after it if you want, such as "Rover, My Temptress Bitch MXVIII.")
56. While practicing your death metal "Cookie Monster" vocals, resist the temptation to write songs about how much the chocolate chips long to join the sugary dough for one last dip into the pond of milk white purity before being thrown into the gaping maw of a ravenous muppet.
57. Most importantly, and I can't stress this enough: Be from Finland!
58. A Funeral Doom riff should last a minimum of 15 seconds, and repeat itself for at least 16 minutes.
59. You know you are a funeral doomster when you find yourself saying, "Black Sabbath just play too fast."
60. If you're a traditional doomster, rip off Black Sabbath, Saint Vitus, Obsessed, Pagan Altar and Pentagram, then claim any similarity is pure coincidence.
61. Mourn the loss of Paradise Lost a once great band.
62. Violinists are not necessarily gay.
63. The mark of good Funeral Doom is whether you can get a beer from the fridge in the time between two snare hits.
64. True doomsters are too depressed to go to band practice.
65. Using occult symbols in your song titles does not make you a wizard.
66. Doomsters are not kvlt, tr00, gr1m or pretentious.
67. Hide your Darkthrone records when one of your doomed mates visits.
68. Any song shorter than 8 minutes is an 'Intro'.
69. Doom bands should not be popular, unless they're disbanded, then they are CULT.
70. Don't go out, unless the weather's cold and dreary.
71. Funerals are your favourite pastime.
72. State explicitly that Doom bands are interesting and varied, then record a song with one riff the entire 20 minutes of the track.
73. If you are no longer Doom, say you've "progressed" and deny that any previous doom recording even existed.
74. Sing along in the bath to your favourite Doom band, then deny it because your too "depressed" to sing to yourself in the bath.
75. Doomsters listen to a variety of music, are able to appreciate many music forms, and laugh at the shit non-doomsters listen to.
76. All Doom bands are pioneering even if they sounds like every other Doom band
77. Keep tours to a minimum, if people want to see you they have to be cult enough to travel at least 20,000 miles
78. If more than 20 people ever come to one of your shows, you have to break up or else you're a sell-out
79. Name your demos and albums with strange titles like "Cthulghy Hyoyrto Skyththte", or "Jhihhee Eliidhhddeenn Fffffhhhhttthjhjuuuuu". By doing this, your band will look really avant-garde, progressive and Doom.
80. Be tired and indifferent during interviews. Your answers should contain at least 10 long-structured sentences. Otherwise, you are just a punk rock prick.
81. Doom musicians don't move at gigs. If they move, they are not Doom.
82. Same applies to the audience.
83. Do not update your band's website.
84. If your fellow-band members are manic-depressive, make sure you quit before they reach the manic phase!
85. Never respond to e-mails, especially if they are asking to buy your CD.
86. Don't release any of your tracks on the internet, so people can't find out how you sound. And when you do finally release your album, release it on an obscure label from Australia that refuses to distribute any of the 500 printed copies.
87. If possible, do not release anything when your band is still together. After you're disbanded, release your abominable rehearsal tapes and sell them at outrageous prices.
88. Artwork should only use official Doom colours. Fluorescent primaries are not Doom, neither is 'Barbie Pink'.
89. Make really happy music and sing about always looking on the bright side of life… Eric Idle is Doom?… Life's a bowl of shit, when you look at it!
90. If someone can recognize one of your band members in a picture, you are not Doom.
91. Do not betray your favourite band by wearing one of their T-Shirts. If someone sees it and listens to them, they will become popular and hence commercial sell-out shit.
92. Re-re-re-re-release your demo on tape or vinyl, but not on CD, and make sure no one ever will be able to buy it.
93. You know when you are listening to Doom when you're out cycling and old ladies walk past you.
94. You know when you are listening to Doom when that snail jumps out in front of you.
95. The mark of a good Funeral Doom album is to put it on, go to sleep and find it's still playing when you wake up.
96. Make sure your booklet doesn't contain lyrics or information of any sort.
97. Doom should sound like being alone, naked, with no food, or water, in the middle of a terrible blizzard, with a lot of hatred and pain in your heart, while being on drugs. If it doesn't, go see a doctor of Doom.
98. Finland, Finland, Finland, the country where I want to be, pony trekking or camping, or just watching TV. Finland, Finland, Finland, it's the country for me!
99. Always keep the curtains closed, use candles if you must have light.

Chapter I

100. Your first breath is the beginning of your death.
101. Go drown yourself in a stream of mourn.
102. Never let anybody else contribute to a list of Doom Rules.
103. Life is full of suffering, a seemingly endless path in the blackest darkness imaginable, which stops suddenly and you fall into even blacker nothingness.
104. Emptiness rules.
105. Skepticism is spelt with a 'K'.
106. Happiness is a worthless electrical illusion created by pointless peasants.
107. Time is what happens between mistakes.
108. Life is what happens to you if you don't die soon enough.
109. Nothing is the answer to everything.
110. People are cannibals who eat themselves in order to sustain themselves.
111. Doom is a state of mind, a dark blue, blanket grey, black state of mind.
112. You are born, you chug alone on rails, you pause at stations to let people on and off and you terminate; and there is nothing you can do about it… and that is the shape of despair.
113. Life is the search for an answer that doesn't exist.
114. Life is loneliness in a world of 6 billion people.
115. In all things, be alone.
116. Doomsters like to moan about life.
117. Everything is bullshit and fake, and your dreams are insignificant.
118. Take each day at a time and discard yesterday's burdens or they will crush you when you add them to tomorrows.
119. Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
120. Life is pop-up hell.
121. Life… don't talk to me about life.
122. Life is a joke.
123. Nothing is real.
124. Ambition is like smoking face down in bed.
125. Happiness is keeping busy and not thinking too much.
126. Happiness is about being happy that you're not sad about being unhappy.
127. The music business is a monkey's arse.
128. Judge a person by their record collection.
129. There is no problem that cannot be solved by real ale.
130. Love is a poisoned chalice and hatred is the antidote.
131. Life is like a box of chocolates, some do without, others have plenty. It sticks in my throat, my stomach's in knots, while your box is so full, mine's perpetually empty.
132. Hell is other people.
133. Beauty was invented by a postcard salesman who owned a biscuit tin factory.
134. Fail young, fail often.
135. Avoid moments of clarity.
136. Look forward to your last breath and the pleasure of that final disappointment and say "Is that all there is? If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing, let's break out the booze and have a ball, if that's all there is".
137. Never brush your teeth with a Noothgrush.
138. Living is pointless, death is pointless, talking to others is pointless, so what's my point?
139. Life is like a bookcase and happiness is candy on the top shelf and you're a four-year-old who can't reach. Just don't be surprised when the whole lot crashes down on you when you climb up to reach it and the candy falls further out of reach… and then you die.
140. Be content to vanish into nothingness when you die for no show, however good, could conceivably be good forever.
141. Reality is an internal representation, so don't worry about it.
142. Worry about your next meal instead of enjoying the one you have.
143. In all things be drunk.
144. Doomsters don't take 'Speed', they take 'Slow'.
145. "Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time. And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing"… is more a statement than a rule.
146. Life is a 100-year-mortgage that you can't afford the payments on.
147. When your creativity has dried up and shriveled like an old prune, sign up with Century Media and abandon Doom altogether and go MTV-friendly, but still cite My Dying Bride as one of your major influences.
148. Insist your latest album is the bleakest, and most haunting your band has ever recorded, even if it's your debut.
149. Drone doomsters do go OooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNNNNNNnnn… nnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnNNNNNN… NNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, sometimes.
150. Mournful Congregation would like to thank depression, pain, death, suicide, distain, misery, sadness, gloom, dejection, melancholia, desolation, despondency, discouragement, downheartedness, grief, suffering, distress, anguish, torture, agony, torment, woe, sorrow, wretchedness, unhappiness, affliction, displeasure, misfortune, lamentation, mourning, solitude, solemnity and Doom… and so should you.
151. Generally speaking Sludge doomsters are angry, Gothic doomsters are sad, Funeral doomsters are barely breathing, Death doomsters are dirty, drunk and dribbling, Stoner doomsters don't care, Drone doomsters are out of it and Traditional doomsters are permanently pissed off, mainly with other doomsters.
152. Have at least one goat-related song on your new album.
153. If you are from England, become sad and embittered that no-one gives two fucks about you, your band or your label, because in England nobody cares about anything except their own little stash, nobody that is except those 30 odd people who do turn up to see you play, and they are worth more than a stadium full of fair weather trend-following wankers.
154. If half the audience hasn't left out of frustration before you've finished your first note, then you're playing too fast.
155. Trad Doom bands have to have shit singers, it's the law.
156. No one else understands why a 2-note song is good, but you don't care.
157. Impaled Nazarene are Doom because of the shear number of goats involved.
158. Make sure your drummer's not awake during gigs. After the gig, wake him up and tell him he played fantastic.
159. Look very bored during parties. If anyone asks, say you amuse yourself.
160. Debuts are good. Follow-ups are repetition and sell-out.
161. Make fun of punks. Remember though, you are open-minded.
162. Trust me, your last gig was awful.
163. Blame others for your lack of success if success is what you seek (you know who you are).
164. Make sure at least one member of your band owns a record label, otherwise you'll never release anything other than CD-Rs.
165. If no one in your bands owns a record label then write rave reviews of the bands that do.
166. Don't mention Lee Dorian's singing ability. Remember, he owns a record label.
167. "The end will come for all these lies, life is worthless, life will die, there's no need to cry" --Douglas P.
168. Funeral doomsters: Make sure you have a tuner connected to your guitar, it's bound to get out of tune between strikes.
169. Did the lights just go out or was that the night?
170. Expect the term 'Score' to mean one thing to a Funeral doomster and something completely different to a Stoner doomster.
171. Expect the phrase "Is there another key?" to mean one thing to a Death doomster and something completely different to a Stoner doomster.
172. The glass is half empty, dummy.
173. Don't cry into your beer, it will water it down and make it taste salty.
174. Doom SHALL rise.
175. Doom or be doomed.
176. Say after me… "I will stay on this revolving globe of outrage until it breaks wind and collapses on itself."
177. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
178. Pour your heart and soul into designing a flyer, get them printed, then don't post them. It's connected with rule 91… Flyers = Sellout… remember, no one must know.
179. Always outnumber your audience in case they beat you up after the gig and nick your equipment.
180. Tell everyone that your bandmembers are all 100% True Doom, even if the drummer's secretly into Thrash, the guitarist's a closet Malmsteen fan and the bassplayer's so doped up he thinks he's a Prog-Rocker.
181. You can be in as many bands as you like, but just make sure that they all play the same stage on the same night, and ideally, sound exactly the same.
182. Get a girlfriend! …she will double the audience! …and do the pretend weepy bits in your video for free!
183. Amaze your audience and get a full line-up together.
184. To be classified True™ Doom you must obtain a signed certificate of authentication from Wino.
185. Any sign of progression or deviation from the True™ Doom path will result in debagging and expulsion from the 'Circle of True Doom'™. Disgraced band member's names will be struck from the 'Children of Doom'™ register and Wino certification withdrawn.
186. The Swans are Doom.
187. Doom is Rage without the aggression.
188. Don't try and headbang to Funeral Doom, you'll look ridiculous.
189. Rather than headbanging and looking amazingly ridiculous, prepare for your next Funeral metal gig by avoiding sex, or touching your wankshaft for a couple of weeks, let your balls swell up to the size of melons, then on the night, drop your trousers and unleash your awe-inspiringly large testicles… arch your back… spread your legs wide… and sway them to and fro in time to the mega slow metal thereby avoiding any possibly headbanging embarrasing situation.
190. There is pleasure in grief.
191. Doom is the sound of inevitability.
192. Don't pay by the hour for rehearsal space if you intend running through a few Until Death Overtakes Me-numbers.
193. The doomed mind is a terrible thing to taste so spice it up with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
194. Doomed solo composers must have Funeral, Drone and Ambient projects and several combinations thereof on the go at any one time to be taken seriously.
195. Insist that all of these projects are different, even if they sound the same.
196. Trad doomsters: claim you know Wino, Scott Reagers and Bobby Liebling. The rest: just claim you were present in the studio when My Dying Bride recorded 'Turn Loose the Swans'.
197. Don't go looking for dog shit in the woods, it will find you.
198. Having stepped in a dog's turd, a doomster will see it as an inevitable event in their doomed life and resign themself to the smell that follows them around rather than wipe it off.
199. Don't follow rules.

Chapter II

200. Rarely do the people around you have anything more worthwhile to say than the Doom band on your headphones.
201. A portable CD-player is an essential part in isolating yourself from the world.
202. Never stop asking what is Doom, it makes a great hobby.
203. Doom shalt be heavy.
204. Doom shalt be Slow, Deep and Hard… but thou shalt not be Type O Negative
205. If that 6-foot red squirrel playing Doom in the corner of your room is starting to disturb you, then you may wish to change your lifestyle.
206. Don't get mad with God, get even.
207. Use the 'Skip of Doom' to get rid of your emotional bagage.
208. Go get a troubled soul.
209. Murphy's Law is real, the toast really will fall butter-side down on the carpet every time.
210. If it makes you feel Doom… then it is Doom.
211. Emotion and Meaning are two sides of the same Doom coin. Now, if only we knew what the edge meant.
212. Regularly check your Doom trueness for lumps and bumps against the latest dictionary definitions:
Doom (n) - Inevitable destruction or ruin.
- Fate, especially a tragic or ruinous one.
- A decision or judgment, especially an official condemnation to a severe penalty.
- Judgment Day
- A computer game involving the killing of monsters.
- Doom (v) Doomed, Dooming, Dooms.
- To condemn to ruination or death.
- To destine to an unhappy end.
213. Doom is not an excuse to neglect your personal hygiene… and stop picking your nose when I'm talking to you.
214. Put more angels on your album covers.
215. Doom is for bands who want to be alone.
216. The medical treatment for Manic Doomster-ism is Iron Monkey.
217. Come up with as many Rules of Doom as possible.
218. If somebody comes up with more Rules of Doom than you, he or she is without doubt a poser.
219. If rule 218 happens, drown yourself in self-pity… but you're still not a Goth.
220. Doom is like dust, it gets everywhere.
221. Don't read stupid fucking lists of Doom Metal-rules, especially on internet forums.
222. The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything is 42. Typical.
223. Doom sacrifices speed on the altar of Tempo.
224. True™ doomsters are more underground, masculine and heroic than the rest of us, even if we don't know it.
225. Use tranquilizers, they're less addictive than Doom Metal.
226. If you feel that you are lost forever, then you probably should be.
227. Doom Metal is free emotional art, that generally isn't free.
228. Beware of bands that shamelessly self-promote their units of production on internet forums.
229. Don't play Doom at parties, it just doesn't work.
230. Don't play Eyehategod to your mother-in-law if you want to impress her on how well you are looking after her precious daughter.
231. Ultimately everything is about power, be it politics, electricity or Doom Metal.
232. Happiness leads to Misery.
233. Misery loves company, Doom doesn't, that's the difference.
234. Doom isn't just for Christmas and family outings.
235. Doom is the best friend you'll ever have… sad, ain't it.
236. Playing Until Death Overtakes Me on your first date is unlikely to get you laid.
237. Doom is in the riff, except when it isn't.
238. Music with a brain generally requires a listener with a brain.
239. There is an inevitability about the futility of it all.
240. Doom is black and white, sweet and sour, hope and hopelessness, anger and fear, contentment and discontentment, fulfilment and emptiness.
241. Treacle thoughts require slow music.
242. Beware slugs! They are liable to leap out in front of you when you least expect it (also see snails Rule 94).
243. A back-to-front mood spells doom.
244. "Sorry For The Inconvenience" really was the last message of God to his creation.
245. When contributing to this list, make sure you leave at least 3 hours to type each rule.
246. A doomy bass player may stumble over his own strings during a gig.
247. There is a treble knob on your amp, just don't use it.
248. Saint Vitus was the first Doom Dancer.
249. Doom is more reflective than any mirror.
250. "Shake off this downy sleep, death's counterfeit, and look on death itself! Up, up, and see the great doom's image!" – Macbeth
251. Don't park your bicycle in the 'Crack of Doom'.
252. If you are going to commit suicide, at least wait until you've released your last decent album.
253. If you sing like Jabba-the-Hut then join a Death Doom band. If you look like Jabba-the-Hut, join the Doom Police.
254. Tune your violin down to B.
255. Any band with a violinist is doomed to be written off as a 'My Dying Bride clone', even though My Dying Bride don't have a violinist.
256. There is no such thing as Doom Metal.
257. Stoner is not Trad… except when it is.
258. Just because you're not a Goth doesn't mean you can't mate with one. Your children will be Gothic Doom, and grow up to form a My Dying Bride clone. You can buy them a violin for their 1st birthday.
259. Gothic chicks are gorgeous, but taking them to a Doom gig without a paper bag over their head will ruin your street cred. This is why nearly every girl at a Doom gig has a paper bag over her head.
260. If at a Doom gig someone asks "Is the girl under the paper bag with you?", make out either she's your ugly sister, or a disturbed boulimia patient on a trip out from the hospital under your supervision, and then ask who's the girl under the paper bag he's with.
261. If you're looking in an issue of 'Wild Gothic Chicks in Lust!' in the local paper store cover it up with a copy of the gay times, or read it with a paper bag over your head (obviously with two slits for the eyes… stupid).
262. No, you didn't buy the wrong Pentagram-album, you just happen to like Turkish Metal and are developing your taste in a different cultural background.
263. For a genre that has more sub-genres than the rest of metal put together, Doom Metal surprisingly remains the most universal, genre-less form of human expression.
264. To sing Darkwave Doom you must be beautiful and wear a romantic flowing dress. Hairy-arsed doomsters with beards should not attempt to sing Darkwave.
265. Beauty is only a light switch away.
266. 'Skepticism' is not a book about religion.
267. Put your heart and soul into your music, then rubbish it so that no one wants to hear it.
268. If you must regret, then regret everything.
269. Seek inner silence by playing your music as loudly as possible.
270. Everyone who competes in the rat-race is a doomster, they just don't know it.
271. Either love life so much that you dread your death, or hate it so much that you dread your living.
272. Doom is death and Doom is life.
273. You'd better slow down, don't dance so fast, time is short, the music won't last.
274. If you find yourself being happy, then you have too much time on your hands. Being doomed is a full-time job.
275. If you find you have too much time on your hands, catalogue your Doom collection into hundreds of different categories.
276. If you think melancholy, despair and sadness are cathartic paths for individual growth, spirituality, and empathy for a dying world, then you really should take up the violin.
277. Happiness is ultimately depressing.
278. Your degree of doomsterism is directly proportional to the number of people queuing up to tell you are not True™.
279. Your degree of doomsterism is directly proportional to how optimistic you find the works of Schopenhauer.
280. When your liver and kidneys have stopped working, you're perennially constipated and are coughing up blood, you know it's time to leave Electric Wizard.
281. If you have ever felt remotely excited at all, then you are not Doom.
282. If your negativity doesn't attract lightning, then you are not Doom
283. Thou shalt be depressed. Thou shalt make others depressed. Those that hear thy music shalt be depressed, and their depression shalt make thou even more depressed - Amen.
284. If the lamp doesn't fall off the speaker, then the bass isn't loud enough.
285. The test of a real doomster is the peeled banana skin should turn brown before the banana is eaten.
286. Make randomly long, low humming noises throughout the day.
287. Be in time with the song in your head.
288. An mp3-player shall not have the disk space to hold more than 7 Funeral Doom songs.
289. Urinate slowly.
290. Real gothic doomsters cry a veil of tears.
291. Don't sell your soul on e-bay… just in case.
292. Take 5 hours to make a sandwich, and that sandwich shall be a slice of utter negativity between two slices of dry bread.
293. Your band's cover version of Sabbath's 'Iron Man' shall be played at quarter speed.
294. Your band's cover version of Skepticism 'The March and the Stream' shall span several CDs… and be terrifying.
295. Novice progressive Doom bands shall restrict themselves to Atmospherically Droning Funeral Gothic Death Stoner Sludge Traditional Doom and not try and be too clever.
296. When you think you can't tune your guitar any lower, tune it lower… and then tune it lower still… and then tune it lower.
297. Thou shalt curse the rush-hour traffic, for it movest too fast for thou to finish thine Doom tape.
298. Nothing really matters, except the things that do.
299. Don't take yourself too seriously.

Chapter III

300. People are the pits.
301. If you think this week was boring, wait till you see what happens next week.
302. Take bitterness in your coffee, not sugar.
303. The alternative to death is a lifelong funeral in the company of strangers.
304. Shop window dummies and optimists have a lot in common, not least their smiles.
305. The only person more alone than a doomster, is a non-doomster.
306. If you run out of ideas you can always use Black Sabbaths'.
307. The end of the day is near when small men make long shadows.
308. Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
309. Everything is unimportant in some way.
310. Getting lost in another was your first mistake.
311. Doom Metal must have at least 10 times more rules than all the other Metal genres put together.
312. Slow is Doom, but Doom is not always slow.
313. Being Doom is never having to say 'Hello'.
314. Rules teach us how to think in a box.
315. Doom is anything you can get away with.
316. Every human being has to go through some suffering.
317. True™ doomsters form a circle.
318. Don't argue with vangaurds.
319. Don't argue with someone who has talked with God.
320. The underground is supposed to be different.
321. Leave at least 6 years between albums to allow doomsters to fully appreciate them.
322. If Skepticism ever release a Power Metal album, then Power Metal shall be called Doom.
323. False doomsters shall form a loosely defined parallelogram… No, I don't understand it either, but it's the law!
324. Easy on the Magic Mushrooms, man.
325. False people are common. False doomsters are rare.
326. You can't be KVLT DVVM if you don't spell it right.
327. Watch out! Watch out! The Doom Police are about!
328. If you think you're winning, you're probably losing again.
329. Satisfy your fantasies with an insipid functional personal relationship.
330. Forgive your imagination, it's the only thing that won't let you down.
331. If nothing is nothing, then is everything nothing, or is everything everything? Or could it be that somethings are nothing and somethings aren't?
332. Imagine a day without disappointment. Good, wasn't it.
333. If you dwell in a house without love, then you dwell in the house of solitude.
334. Please let me die in solitude.
335. Never mind, soon be dead, hey.
336. Desire is irrelevant. Pain is inevitable. Resistance is futile.
337. In a 1000 years who'll care?
338. Stoner Doom should be played through valves.
339. Stoner Doom should be played in flares.
340. Stoner Doom should be played with attitude.
341. Stoner Doom should be played when you're not quite there.
342. Stoner Doom should be listened to when you're not quite there.
343. Doom is the darkroom where negatives are developed.
344. Don't leave your Iron Monkey alone in a room with your Iron Man. They will either fight, or argue about Doom genres.
345. When the time comes, don't be lost for words, work on your epitaph now.
346. Be cremated in the fires of Mount Doom.
347. Let your negativity float around you like a glorious rain cloud.
348. If something bad is going to happen to you, pretending it isn't won't stop it.
349. Nihilism is good for you. It gives your mind something to overcome.
350. Doom Metal does not need flattery.
351. No matter how good things get, have faith that your capacity to make yourself miserable is equal to it.
352. If you know any of those Doom Rules you are not True.
353. If you don't know any of these Doom Rules you are not True.
354. If someone mentions any of those rules and you show the slightest hint of recognition, you are not True.
355. If you put a 'True Metal' sticker on the front of your new album cover you are not True.
356. If someone ridicules those holy Rules of Doom Metal™ and you fail to fall into the chorus of laughter, you are not True.
357. There is no such thing as Doom Metal.
358. Men sweat in the bellies of machines, and the machines are all bleeding to death, and the flags are all dead at the top of their poles.
359. Optimism can extend your life on average by seven and a half years… You have been warned!
360. Doom is your safe place in an unsafe world.
361. It has to take at least 15 seconds to pronounce the word 'Doom'.
362. Life is a terminal illness.
363. There is slow, there is treacle slow, there is glacial slow, and there is extreme Death Doom.
364. Don't try singing along to Drone Doom, you will sound like a cat on heat.
365. You were right! In the cold light of today, yesterday's dread of tomorrow was completely justified.
366. Yes, a doomster is horrible, ugly and boring. And no, he doesn't care.
367. Become one with your whining.
368. Hope is wasted on the hopeless.
369. "Everything in life proclaims that earthly happiness is destined to be frustrated, or recognised as an illusion" -- Schopenhauer
370. To die willingly, to die gladly, to die cheerfully, is the prerogative of the resigned.
371. When debuting your new album to the music press, avoid making deep statements about the futility of life like "Is this shit ever gonna end?"
372. The only thing more endless than this list is the sorrow of the universe.
373. Sludge doomsters generally shout, Gothic doomsters whisper mournfully to dying roses or pictures of their girlfriends/boyfriends (sometimes both) who have just dumped them, Funeral doomsters make funny gurgling noises as they choke on the noose around their neck, Death doomsters mumble bitterly into their navel, Stoner doomsters talk to the planets baby, Traditional doomsters generally talk about the history of Doom, True™ doomsters talk amongst themselves, Progressive doomsters talk in layers, no one can decipher what the hell Black doomsters are saying except other Black doomsters, Drone doomsters regard themselves as being above talking.
374. Being negative is far more enjoyable than being positive.
375. Being positive isn't an option… what were you thinking!
376. There can never be too many rules for Doom Metal.
377. Never accept a live slot of less than an hour or you will have to play Speed Metal versions of your 4 songs to fit them in.
378. If you can fit more than 5 songs onto one CD (for Funeral Doom see rule 288), you should consider disbanding for fear of corrupting future generations of doomsters with contaminated examples of fast music.
379. Cut out and colour in some life-sized cardboard emoticons and hold them up to your face when people talk to you. Doomsters are far too apathetic to make facial expressions or clear statements.
380. Laughter is for the shallow people who really don't get the complexity of Doom.
381. Gothic Doom is untrue, unless of course you're trying to get off with someone, then it's okay.
382. A classic Doom concert should just have you in the audience. A True™ Doom concert should just have the band. For a concert to achieve legendary True™ Doom status, even the band should not turn up. To go beyond this involves not forming a band in the first place.
383. A Doom concert should never be a sell-out in any sense of the word. For definition of Sell-out, see rule 78.
384. Reality is the enemy.
385. Extreme Doom means if you can hear it, it's too high pitched and piercing.
386. When you sit and listen to a record and the whole room around you starts falling apart, you know it's damn good Doom.
387. Suicide should be punishable by death.
388. The whole point of being a doomster is so that you can explain to people why you're not a goth.
389. Just because 6 trillion, 446 million, 131 thousand, 3 hundred and 99 people say you're wrong, doesn't mean that you are.
390. And just because 6 trillion, 446 million, 131 thousand, 3 hundred and 99 people say you're wrong, doesn't mean that they are right.
391. Doom artwork shall be clichéd.
392. If you lack artistic talent, use Photoshop.
393. See the world in shades of grey.
394. The asylum walls are to keep the criminally insane out.
395. There's no point in upsetting the apple cart, when all the apples are going to roll into the gutter anyway.
396. Get the Doom Rules printed into wallpaper, paper your entire room in them, and make sure to cover all windows and doors so that you can never leave.
397. An optimist wants children, a doomster has them.
398. Clouds do not have silver linings, they are cold, grey and wet.
399. Host your own 'Doom 8' summit of Doom genres and make the Trad Doom rep wear a monk's habit.

Chapter IV

400. Slow is the new loud.
401. If you have the enthusiasm to compile Doom rule 401 then you're in the wrong genre.
402. Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
403. The sum of intelligence of the human race is a constant, shared by a growing population. This explains a lot.
404. The sound of Doom is the sound of a cement mixer slowing filling your room with quick drying concrete.
405. Only when it is dark enough, can you see the stars.
406. There's never enough in the bottle.
407. Doomsters don't take a dump, they expel their life force.
408. Expelling your life force should be done slowly and with great care. It is a precious thing. Take as many hours as you need. The important thing is that your log is unbroken and impossible to flush.
409. Nobody else gets hurt when you're a one-man band.
410. Only borrow money from pessimists, as they won't expect to get it back.
411. Lend us a fiver.
412. Watch out for speed cameras on the stage.
413. If you play faster than 30 bpm, expect a speeding ticket.
414. Doom is when you meet a beautiful woman… and she's wearing a beautiful white dress… and you take her home… and you make love to her all night long… and the next day you find out it's the Pope.
415. You will have reached the point of ultimate doominess when you care so little that you stop listening to Doom.
416. Doom Metal is like changing a baby's nappy, it doesn't permanently solve your problem, but it makes things more acceptable for a while.
417. Uncompromisingly depressive music requires uncompromisingly depressive people.
418. You can't always ignore the genre elite, but you can try.
419. Don't read more Doom rules than your attention span can cope with, else your head will explode. One for the gravestone…
"Here lies [insert name here], who took on two Doom rules. His attention span wandered, and so did his power tool. He sat on his sander, which may sound absurd. By the time he'd exploded, he had polished a turd."
420. A Doom rule a day keeps the Doom Police away.
421. If you can read the book of Doom rules in an evening, then you're reading too fast and thinking too slow.
422. If you are looking for something to put on your gravestone, you could do worse than a few lines from Edgar Allan Poe… "Thank Heaven! The crisis, the danger is past. And the lingering illness is over at last. And the fever called "Living" is conquered at last."
423. Beware of fat ladies singing, it could mean it's all over.
424. Look before you leap, it may not be tall enough.
425. Man that is born of a woman hath but a short time to live, and is full of misery. He cometh up, and is cut down, like a flower; he fleeth as it were a shadow, and never continueth in one stay. In the midst of life we are in death.
426. Happiness is like scratching a rash, pleasures are fleeting, followed by much pain and an inflamed rash to scratch.
427. The boredom of satisfaction will make you miserable. Satisfaction is the death of desire.
428. Desire will make you miserable because it can never be satisfied.
429. If you don't want to make yourself miserable with satisfaction, then make yourself miserable with desire.
430. The more you seek happiness, the unhappier you will become.
431. Failure is the antidote to desire and therefore the only true route to happiness.
432. The way to happiness is a very slow process.
433. If you don't get out much, download a life.
434. In the beginning there was nothing, which then exploded, a bit like you really.
435. In the words of the late, great, Dave Allan "May your Doom go with you"… or was that "your god"? Same thing.
436. You shall never complain about the long list of 'Rules of Doom Metal'. Having a long list is the ultimate Doom.
437. Take a romantic trip down Memory Lane and stay there.
438. We brought nothing into this world and it is certain we can carry nothing out. The Music Industry gave, and the Music Industry hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Music Industry.
439. Your score on the doom-o-meter is proportional to the size of the cross around your neck.
440. You can make yourself feel better by making others feel worse.
441. In band photo shoots, make sure you hold out your arm so that everyone can see you squeeze the invisible Grapefruit of Doom.

442. For enormous invisible Grapefruits of Doom use 2 hands.

443. The light at the end of a tunnel is an oncoming train.
444. Laugh and the world laughs at you. Cry and the world laughs louder.
445. Do what the voices in your head tell you, they know best.
446. So you think the whole world is against you. Doesn't it feel good to be right for a change.
447. Doom has got nothing to do with being a fan.
448. If you're sitting in a rocking chair and you haven't the enthusiasm to get it going, then you're probably a doomster.
449. No good ever came out of enthusiasm.
450. Mutter "But is it Doom?" under your breath at least 5,000 times a day, ideally rocking back and forth.
451. The future remains to be avoided.
452. If you struggle with reality long enough, you will get it exactly where you want it.
453. If nobody knows the troubles you've seen, then you haven't explained them enough.
454. If opportunity knocks, tell it to keep the noise down.
455. In death and in life, there is no forgiveness.
456. The world disappears when you close your eyes.
457. Exploiting the sexuality of bereavement to have sex is not an excuse for necrophilia.
458. Life is like a ten-speed bike, it gives you a sore crutch.
459. If the word impossible isn't in your dictionary, get a better dictionary.
460. eDoomsters disappear when the computer is switched off.
461. You know you have a seriously heavy Doom album on your hands when the postman has to drag the package up the drive.
462. You know you have too many Doom CDs when they collapse into a black hole and suck you in.
463. The great thing about being a doomster is that no matter how badly people behave, they will always live up to your expectations.
464. Nothing is more depressing than optimism to a person with experience.
465. If you can't stand the heat, turn the cooker off.
466. Blessed be the name of rule.
467. A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true, and that'll just have to do.
468. Being ugly doesn't necessarily mean you are doomed to sleep alone… you might win the lottery.
469. There is never any booze in the house when you need it most.
470. You know you are a doomster when you volunteer for a session at the Samaritans and all the callers kill themselves… including the guy with the wrong number.
471. Looking on the bright side of life causes eyestrain.
472. Doom is watching the one you love slowly turn into your mother-in-law.
473. When applying for jobs, put 'Doom' under the section "Any interests or hobbies".
474. To die willingly, to die gladly, to die cheerfully, is the prerogative of the resigned.
475. Getting up in the morning requires routine. Get up, put on some Sludge Doom, put on some clothes (get the order right dummy), look in the mirror and call yourself a worthless piece of shit, then go out and face the challenges of a new day.
476. What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Firstly, don't panic. Secondly, look up 'What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue' in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, it has this to say on the subject: "What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue… Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer."
477. Stool samples are Doom. Having to collect your own is troo Doom.
478. Sloths make good pets for doomsters, just hang them on a tree and forget about them.
479. Tortoises make good pets if you're into long walks, but keep them on a lead to stop them running off.
480. Avoid Labradors, as they are far too excitable.
481. When you come to the end of your rope, tie a noose and hang yourself.
482. Alternatively, when you come to the end of your rope, tie a noose and hang the person who drove you there.
483. Doom is an empty apartment in winter.
484. Friends squeeze the invisible Grapefruit of Doom together.
485. Doom rules about invisible Grapefruits of Doom are like the people who squeeze them... not to be taken too seriously.

486. Don't let the sun catch you crying.
487. Doom is being trapped in a lift with a True™ doomster.
488. Doom is having a body that is decaying faster than your mind.
489. Love is Doom… Misery certainly loves company.
490. Everyone you know goes away in the end, thank goodness.
491. Doom yourself to not hearing the classic Doom albums, your life will be a lot doomier and emptier as a result. Instead, buy them at extortionate prices from ebay, leave them unwrapped by your CD-player, and for the rest of your life, regret your decision.
492. Always do less than is required of you.
493. Get the disappointment over with before you start.
494. If you get the shit of life on your shoe, wipe your soul clean on the Doormat of Doom.
495. Don't say rule #494 too loudly if you are standing under a sprinkler system wired up to a Bullshit Detector.
496. There is no such thing as Doom Metal. This may seem like a repetition of #256, but some things need saying twice. With repetition comes memorization, with memorization comes indoctrination, and with indoctrination, comes THE ARMY OF TROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.
497. Within the mantra of #256 and #497 lies a Da Vinci code telling us that Doom Metal does not exist twice. Are there other dimensions where Doom Metal does not exist, or is it telling us "there is no such thing as no such thing as Doom Doom Metal". Unlocking the key to 'Doom Doom Metal' must become the holy grail of all doomsters seeking enlightenment.
499. Wonder at the profoundness of rule #498, for within its empty blackness lies the infinite tracks of cold space and unimaginable nothingness that reduce our tiny speck of a universe to a singularity in the great scheme of things, and us with it. Even a dot[.] can't beat this kind of emptiness.

Last edited by de Tuinman en de Dood on Tue Jun 30, 2020 8:04 am, edited 3 times in total.

Fri Jun 20, 2008 9:27 am
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It's oldie, but goldie! :laugh: It always makes me laugh! I guess there is some truth to it.

"There is none dwelling in the house but God. When a man is awakened he melts and perishes." - Jalaluddin Rumi

Fri Jun 20, 2008 5:12 pm
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You just violated rule #6 ;)

[color=#0000FF]"... who gnaws hungrily in inconceivable, unlighted chambers beyond time and space amidst the muffled, maddening beating of vile drums and the thin monotonous whine of accursed flutes"[/color]

Fri Jun 20, 2008 8:38 pm
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I never could figure out why squirrels are doom....

(Was that a bit off-topic?)

Sun Jun 22, 2008 11:08 pm
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this thread is incredible!!!

Mon Jun 23, 2008 5:01 pm
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Yeah, I've seen a lot of this before, but never all 499. It's hilarious (and I say that without laughing)

Mon Jun 23, 2008 5:30 pm
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Wasn't there more then 499? I have these on my computer, but I clearly remember there being more, but I was too lazy to save them. *Goes off to check the gloom and doom forum*

Mon Jun 23, 2008 7:07 pm
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From the doom and gloom forum, rules # 500 - 1060

500. When you’ve collected a wealth of posts that collectively define your doom forum community, move, and throw them all away.
501. For all time, there will always be filth, mankind can never change.
502. Any list that has more than 503 rules in it is retarded.
503. The pain of enduring the Book of Doom Rules shall be endless.
504. Doom rules must be monolithic, just like the music… funny or not, they must.
505. The joke isn't funny anymore.
506. Lists of Doom Rules shall flow like bass drone, and send you running to the toilet in terror.
507. If it's too slow, you're too happy
508. The great unwashed hum at the alter of drone.
509. Tradition is a tedious riddle solved years ago.
510. A list of Doom rules is like good wine, it becomes tr00er and more doomed with age.
511. When you wake up, your wrists shall appear as if you tried to cut them with your bare hands while sleeping.
512. The above won't happen since you'll never wake up.
513. The above won't happen due to insomnia.
514. Listening to Doom is like making love to a beautiful woman… it makes you feel inadequate and often ends prematurely.
515. We are strangers in the night, on separate flights, going nowhere.
516. If you think Black Sabbath aren't doom go to rule 518.
517. Black Sabbath are doom
518. If you think Black Sabbath aren’t Stoner go rule 520.
519. Black Sabbath are Stoner.
520. If you think Black Sabbath are Heavy Rock go to rule 522.
521. Black Sabbath are Heavy Metal.
522. Argue the results of Doom rules 516 to 521 on internet forums until you win.
523. Don’t argue who is and who isn’t doom with a Power Meteller, or he will get his dad to put your dad in a cage and stab him with a sword.
524. Never underestimate the significance of a camel in doom metal.
525. Agonise over the meaning of rule 524 until you die.
526. Everything you have ever accomplished bears no significance.
527. Take pleasure in being right about being wrong all the time. It’s good to be right.
528. Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed.
529. Your favourite voltage is whatever it takes.
530. Oh brave Troo Doom, well she deserves that name. Disdaining fortune with her brandished steel, which smoked with bloody execution. Like valour’s minion, she carved out her passage till she faced the slave, the wretched untroo toadie, which ne’er shook hands, nor bade farewell, nor washed, till she freed him from the clutches of naves, into the circle of trooness and fixed the heads of the unrepentant upon her battlements. But the instruments of darkness have told truths which cannot be unsaid, stripping away her myths, destroying all. For when your Troo love swears that she is made of troo’th, you do believe her though you know she lies. She might think you some untutored youth, ignorant in the ways of the world, and you might vainly think that she desires your passion, but you know she knows you are past your best. Simply credit her false speaking tongue and on both sides thus is simple truth suppressed. For a slave and a follower is old in spirit and love's best disguise is the pretence of trust, and age in love loves not to have years told. Therefore say to her “I lie with you and you with me, and in our faults by lies we flattered be”.
531. No matter how doomed you think you are, there is always someone doomier than you.
532. If you find yourself surrounded by doomsters more doomier than you, then you're obviously not doing it right.
533. Doom walks before you.
534. Your neighbours walk beside you, but one covets your ox and the other covets your ass.
535. Death walks behind you.
536. God hates you.
537. The Doom’s Prayer: I have a dream that one day on the blooded red hills of the internet forums, the sons of stoner and the sons of the true will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood. I have a dream that one day even the forums of these genres, desert forums sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and love. I have a dream that my three little children will one day live in a world where they will not be judged by the colour of their skin but by the depth of their doom. I have a dream that one day the current police states of metal’s scenes, whose local leader’s lips, dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a place where the boys and girls of the terminally depressed and the angry young downer, will be able to join hands and walk together as sisters and brothers. I have a dream! Let doom ring from every free spirit, young and old, against the falsehoods of good-time metal! Let doom ring from your headphones because nobody else will let you play it with them in the room! From every brewery and public house, let’s get drunk! – Amen.
538. If you can’t live together, live apart.
539. Forget Atkins, a Doom diet of depression, deprivation, drugs and death will help you lose those unsightly pounds that keep you alive.
540. One for the lads… Life’s a bitch, but not as big a bitch as your misses… and then you die.
541. A doom drummer will always buy a church bell before buying a new snare.
542. To get that Church-Bell-Tolling-In-The-Rain effect on stage, seed that dark cloud above your head with doubt.
543. Zero is your hero.
544. When you have a hangover it's harder to find the arteries.
545. There is no silence, the frequencies are merely too low for your pathetic human ears to discern.
546. If your ship of fools sinks on the ocean of doom, help your fellow humanity into your sinking lifeboat.
547. Strive to make yourself feel happy enough with life that the thought of death makes you miserable.
548. Let the smile on your face become the deadest thing, alive enough to have strength to die.
549. Buy your loved one some flowers, put them in a vase, then watch them die together.
550. Don't let matron catch you programming a drum machine in your bedroom, or she will make you wear boxing gloves at night.
551. Take one of the few sunny days you get a year off work, then spend it posting on an internet forum with the curtains closed.
552. Look to the early hours of the morning for musical inspiration. A powerful practice amp will help share your inspiration with your neighbours thus greatly improving your relationship with them.
553. When your 3 hour bedroom masterpiece of bowel moving drone death and despair is finally complete, turn up the volume and play it back with pride. In the morning ask your neighbours what they honestly thought of it.
554. When you're composing your new statement of doom, if you've got any friends left, you must call them day or night as soon as you get an idea.
555. The advantage of string instruments is that you can always recycle the strings for strangling yourself.
556. The sun is trying to kill you.
557. The advantage of continually looking over your shoulder is that you might not notice that six feet hole in the ground in front of you.
558. Stoner doomsters seek enlightenment, sludge doomsters seek a vein, progressive doomsters seek change, traditional doomsters don’t, troo doomsters seek elitism, drone doomsters seek the toilet in terror, gothic doomsters seek the beauty in a dying rose, ambient doomsters seek the mist, death doomsters seek an end, funeral doomsters seek a beginning.
559. Doom is knowing you are never going to find what you seek.
560. If doom be a storm at sea with monolithic waves of sub-genres that crash upon the beach of life, then let each doom rule be but a grain of sand on that beach, a beach where doomsters can build their sandcastles of hope and ambition along the waters edge, and pack up their beach towels, buckets and spades at the end of the day and retire to oblivion, leaving only their footprints.
561. Doom is seeing your beloved doom albums placed in the wrong sub-doom genre categories in 'doom special' magazine articles, and knowing there is nothing you can do about it.
562. Doom is wanting something to last forever, knowing that it won’t.
563. Doom is wanting something to end, knowing it will last forever.
564. Doom is the canvass on which lives are painted. Art galleries are the mental hospitals where they are hung.
565. Doom is realizing your insignificance.
566. Before you get the plumber in to fix that gurgling drain, make sure it’s not a ‘My Shameful’ album playing in the other room.
567. Boredom can be pretty boring but it remains the path to doom.
568. Sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.
569. Breathing faster than once an hour may cause hyperventilation and panic attacks.
570. Listening to Funeral Doom may cause hypoventilation and death.
571. Do not despair, writing page-long profound and witty come-backs on forum boards then losing them to a posting error, can only help you transcend into a higher level of posting.
572. The more knowledge you gain of the nature of doom, the less you really know what it is.
573. If you’re too depressed to be depressed, then you must be really depressed.
574. Choke on the bitter nuclear dust of utter desolation and hear the echoing cries of futile, worthless existences crushed.
575. Embrace the emptiness. For reasons see rule #104.
576. If they thought you were slow at school, they should see you now.
577. To be or not to be, that is the question. Do I owe anyone enough to suffer the shit that life throws at me, or should I do something about it once and for all, and by my death say “Enough is Enough”. But what if in my sleep of death I should dream, and by the pain I leave behind for others to endure, my dreams turn to an eternity of nightmares. O horror, could the pain be worse, worse than the scorns and judgements? Worse than the way I am looked down upon until I look down on myself? Worse than the injustice in the world, my wearisome job, my wearisome life? Worse than my cursed love that makes everyone I share it with despised me? Oh, to be or not to be, that is the question.
578. Conscience makes cowards of us all.
579. The road to compiling the list of doom rules shall be long and arduous, but not as long and arduous as reading them.
580. There is the same infinite number of nothingnesses between any two points as there are an infinite number of infinitely small somethings. This probably means something.
581. There is an infinite number of infinitely small somethings between two people, regardless of how close they think they are to each other. This probably means something as well.
582. To travel through the infinite number of infinitely small somethings that lie in a single footstep would take eternity, which is why stoner doomsters appear to walk so slowly.
583. True doomsters who come home early from work and catch their wife listening to My Dying Bride must divorce them immediately on the grounds of infidelity.
584. Listening to extreme Death Doom is like making love to a pot noodle. It leaves you feeling dirty with a nasty taste in your mouth.
585. Push away those you love until they do the same to you.
586. We’re all dying, some faster others.
587. Give me a skin to dance in and a coffin to rot in.
588. Doom is not being happy with what you have to be happy with.
589. Batwatism (Born Again Twatism) is the first time you realised your father’s ignorance really was ignorance, not what you thought was ignorance because you were ignorant.
590. Most of the time you can read a book by its cover.
591. Most of the time beauty is only skin deep.
592. Doom is taking 5 minutes to tie your shoelaces, so don't attempt 14 eyelet boots unless you have a week to spare.
593. "Most pleasures follow the pattern of the joke, a cheap pleasure that one can enjoy by sticking a bare leg out from under the covers on a cold winter's night, then pulling it back in. What good is a long life to us if it is hard, joyless and so full of suffering that we can only welcome death as a deliverer?" - Sigmund Freud
594. Life is a hideous thing, and from the background behind what we know of it peer demoniacal hints of truth
595. Even the latest god moves in strange ways.
596. It's never too late for an early grave.
597. Test how low you can go by doing the limbo dance of doom under the bar of your expectations.
598. Life is not valuable simply because if exists.
599. Doomsters put the Fun in Funeral.
600. Doom is what Doom does.
601. If you think it is Doom then it is Doom.
602. Remember, no one must ever hear your band.
603. Get banned from a True™ Doom forum at least twice just to make sure the first time wasn't a fluke.
604. Do not seek to be healed from your gloom and doom. Without your wounds where would your power be?
605. Let the Doom in your voice put a tremble in the hearts of men and women.
605. If Skepticism get too much, open a Neo-folk forum.
606. Let the beat of your heart be a bell that is tolling.
607. When you hear the bell toll, guess who it’s tolling for?
608. It is better to be wretched and broken, than join in the false joy of others.
609. Become a park-keeper and turn loose the swans.
610. Dance by the light of the bridges you burn.
611. As long as you can reseed faster than the shopkeepers can delete music will preveil.
612. Those whom follow, are doomed to reflect, and not to become.
613. Walking the path to self destruction is a bit like making love to a gorilla, you can only turn back when the gorilla's satisfied.
614. He who has a mind to beat a dog will easily find a stick.
615. All’s well that ends.
616. Your work colleagues like you because you remind them that there are people out there who are more pathetic than they are.
617. Anyone who thinks deeply about the world in which they live will eventually feel a sense of alienation with life.
618. You know you're a doomster when your idea of a wet dream is waking up in a puddle of mud, in a field, in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of a thunderstorm and not having a clue how they got there.
619. The more you know, the more you don’t know.
620. Life is what you make it... if you enjoy making things out of shit.
621. Drone Doomsters focus on vibrations that emerge the source of the universe and disappear into the ineffable plenitude of the void.
622. Occupying a human body to work out one's negatives is a once in a lifetime opportunity and should be utilized to its fullest.
623. All endeavour amount to nothing.
624. Trying is for losers.
625. There are only two types of music. Good music and bad music.
626. Music made for the wrong reasons will be bad music, or will end up that way.
627. Music isn’t true, only the people are true.
628. Be true to what you are, even if you don’t like what you are.
629. Belonging to a cult, gang or sub-culture does not make you true.
630. Bad music hides behind trends and cults. Good music does not hide.
631. Popularity is for the weak.
632. Troubles soon be over.
633. Troubles will never be over.
634. The grim reaper is coming, look busy.
635. If female genitalia could sing, it would sound exactly like Amber Asylum.
636. To waste a second of one's life is a betrayal of oneself... so, what’s on the telly?
637. Posting pictures of yourself on the internet is NOT doom.
638. Posting sketches and paintings of yourself on the Internet is permitted, but only if they reveal the unmentionable darkness of your soul.
639. Doomsters can't look at themselves in mirrors.
640. Music was invented to confirm human loneliness.
641. Abusers and Victims… the human condition.
642. Nothing inside you is real
643. You're going to end up dead or retarded, which do you want to do first?
644. Keep calm and carry on.
645. Any drummer found playing a snare audibly and incessantly during a Funeral Doom session shall be forcibly placed in the coffin by the rest of the band and lowered into the grave along with the deceased.
646. Have a Doctor standing by to administer first aid to any Thrash or Power metellers who might accidentally wandered into one of your doom gigs. If you can arrange for someone to catch them as they pass out from boredom it would keep the doctor workload down enormously.
647. Thrash Metellers, Power Metellers and the General Public should be warned to get a seat at the bar before you come on.
648. When you are on stage, pick a member of the audience out at random, point and shout “You are NOT doom!” Stop playing and wait to see what happens.
649. You can wait all day if need be.
650. Until you experience doom, you only think you are doom.
651. Doom is a self fulfilling prophecy
652. Death Doom is about your death.
653. Funeral Doom is about the death of someone you love
654. Doom Metal rules should not repeat themselves.
655. Doom Metal rules should not repeat themselves.
656. Repetition is permitted if it annoys True Doomsters.
657. Ambient doomsters like everything quieter than everything else.
658. All to often we are just like the people we hate
659. Nobody said you had to like the truth.
660. There is no such thing as truth.
661. Levity is good. It relieves tension and the fear of death.
662. Anger is more productive than despair.
663. Desire is irrelevant, you are a machine.
664. Fuck you.
665. For never was there a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and her Romeo... you know this is talking about you.
666. Sometimes the number of a doom rule can describe you perfectly.
667. Don't confuse Gloom and Doom with Glum and Dumb
668. Gloom is the feeling that a situation is bad and is not likely to improve any time soon. Doom is the end of the world.
669. An optimist walks around all day with a sign saying 'The end is Nigh". A doomster walks around all day muttering 'No end in sight'
670. You've checked your trooness against Doom (#212), now check it against Gloom:
Gloom (n):-
A darkness;
A dimness;
A sadness;
A dark place;
A state of melancholy;
A state of despondency;
A state of downheartedness;
A state of dismally low spirits;
A deeply pessimistic outlook or feeling;
Sad Blues.
Gloom (v):- gloomed, gloom·ing, glooms
To become dark;
To make dark;
To make others feel worse than you;
To make despondent;
To cloud, overshadow, overcast.
671. A band with only one bassist is like a one legged man riding a bicycle.
672. You don’t choose to play doom metal, it chooses you.
673. Those who follow are doomed never to lead.
674. "You did that" says your memory. "You cannot have done that" says your pride remaining adement.
675. As Friedrich Nietzsche once said - "Always wash my hands after coming into contact with a religious man"
676. All truly great thoughts are conceived through apathy.
677. If you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gazes right back.
678. Home is where you hang yourself.
679. Doom is the sigh of angels
680. Doom is the sigh of bottoms
681. Doom expresses what cannot be said and that which cannot remain silent.
682. If it doesn't make you want to kill yourself, then it's not funeral doom.
683. Listen deeply enough and you will hear doom in everythingl.
684. Shy doomsters hide in wall cavities at parties and watch through cracks in the plaster.
685. Gothic doomsters do not have a reflection in the mirror when they close their eyes.
686. Real Doomsters do not have friends on myspace.
687. Give up hope. Believe in nothing. Abandon everyone.
688. Let your bed soars be your badges of doom.
689. Doom only needs one note. It's what you do with it that counts.
690. Beware Trickie Dickies, they will lead you astray.
691. Beware the followers of Trickie Dickies, rabid sheep may be sheep, but they are still rabid.
692. Beware the followers of Trickie Dickies, they can be trickier and dickier than the Trickie Dickie they are following.
693. Doom is not about doing something.
694. Don't just do something, sit there.
695. Some days you are the bug and some days you are the windscreen.
696. The end of the day is near when small men make long shadows.
697. Money can't buy happiness, so what does it matter if you're broke.
698. If you can't do something well, then enjoy doing it badly. Yes, I am talking about your band.
699. In the absence of absolute truth, settle for a good fantasy.
700. Let only heroes and men of steel decide what is and isn't doom.
701. Chuck Norris surviving in his forest will decide what is and isn't doom.
702. Mr T smokin' a grandee will decide what is and isn't doom fool.
703. Ice-T over some PCB will decide what is and isn't dooml.
704. Miss Marple over a nice cup of tea will decide what is and isn't doom.
705. The X-Men and Mr Ben will decide what is and isn't doom.
706. Jack Warren with his hand on his sporran will decide what is and isn't doom.
707. Sylvester Stallone home alone will decide what is and isn't doom.
708. A very angry Incredible Hulk will decide what is and isn't doom.
709. God and the Devil will plot together and decide what is and isn't doom.
710. Trickie Dickies with their fables and labels will decide what is and isn't doom.
711. The turn of a friendly card will decide what is and isn't doom.
712. The Yellow Jersey leader of the Tour de France with his powerful calves and victory dance will decide what is and isn't doom.
713. Burt Lancaster with his impressive physique in 'The Swimmer' will decide what is and isn't doom.
714. The Ontario Hockey Team skating away on the thin ice of a new day will decide what is and isn't doom.
715. Tough Guys who don’t dance will decide what is and isn't doom.
716. Robin Hood with his bow made of wood will decide what is and isn't doom.
717. Robin Hood's merry men, Sailors and Sea Men will decide what is and isn't doom.
718. The Sheriff of Nottingham, Prince John and his rotten men will decide what is and isn't doom.
719. Simon Templer and Saints of other denominations will decide what is and isn't doom.
720. Little boys who cry "Shane, Shane. Come back Shane!" with tears in their eyes will decide what is and isn't doom.
721. Victor "The Hunk" Mature will decide what is and isn't doom.
722. The Plastic Sword of Power Metal will decide what is and isn't doom.
723. Charles Manson will decide what is and isn't doom, whilst others avoid eye contact.
724. Marilyn Manson will decide what is and isn't doom after he has put his make-up on, bitch.
725. Marilyn Manson's mum will decide what is and isn't doom for Marilyn, whilst smacking his bottom for using naughty language.
726. Macho, Macho Men will decide what is and isn't doom. I wanna be a Macho Man.
727. Macho Women will decide what is and isn't doom.
728. John Wayne will decide like hell it is what is and isn't doom .
729. Darth Vader will breath heavily and tell you what is and isn't doom, and he will accept your apology should you disagree.
730. Schoolly D with his rap full of crap will decide what is and isn't doom.
731. Big Daddy Kane with his Hoe full of Yo will decide what is and isn't doom.
732. Big daddy and Giant Haystack will fight to decide what is and isn't doom.
733. Rick the dick from Casablanca, with his entourage of wankers will decide what is and isn't doom.
734. LL Cool J will decide what is and isn't doom as soon as he learns to spell his name without peeking.
735. Snoop Doggy Dogg will decide what is and isn't doom.
736. Public Enemy will decide what is and isn't doom.
737. Boo Yaa Tribe will decide what is and isn't doom.
738. Iceberg Slim will decide what is and isn't doom.
739. Iceberg Lettuce will decide what is and isn't doom.
740. The Iceberg that sank the Titanic will decide what is and isn't doom.
741. Gay Pokemon will decide what is and isn't doom.
742. He-Men in swimwear will decide what is and isn't doom.
743. Vinnie Jones' two smokin' barrels will decide what is and isn't doom.
744. Captain Blood will decide what is and isn't doom.
745. Captain Hook and Mr Smeed will decide what is and isn't doom.
746. Warner Bros. will decide what is and isn't doom.
747. Those that own Warner Bros. will decide what is and isn't doom.
748. Those that own the people that own Warner Bros. will decide what is and isn't doom.
749. Rough men who stand ready will decide what is and isn't doom.
750. Rough guys who moisturise will decide what is and isn't doom.
751. Rough guys who wear leather will decide what is and isn't doom.
752. Robert Michum crawling through barbed wired in the mud and the blood will decide what is and isn't doom.
753. Queen Elizabeth I (1533-1603) may have the body but of a weak and feeble woman; but she has the heart and stomach of a king, and of a king of England too, and she will decide what is and isn't doom.
754. Lara Croft will decide what is and isn't doom.
756. Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis will decide what is and isn't doom.
757. Before they were slaughtered at Stamford Bridge, the Vikings will decide what is and isn't doom.
758. Before they are slaughtered at Stamford Bridge, Chelsea Football Club will decide what is and isn't doom.
759. Salvidor Dali will decide what is and isn't avante garde doom.
760. Arnold Schwarzenegger will decide what is and isn't doom.
761. The oil in Iraq will decide what is and isn't doom.
762. George Bush and Osama Bin Laden will decide what is and isn't doom.
763. The garage fixing my car for an undisclosed fee will decide what is and isn't doom.
764. The genre elite will decide what is and isn't doom.
765. The doom Police will enforce what is and isn't doom.
766. Aldo and Richard will decide what is and isn't doom.
767. Richard and Judy will decide what is and isn't doom.
768. Judy Garland's little red shoes will decide what is and isn't doom.
769. The lion without courage will decide what is and isn't doom.
770. The tin man without a heart will decide what is and isn't doom.
771. The scarcrow without a brain will decide what is and isn't doom.
772. Bruce Willis' bald head will decide what is and isn't doom.
773. The thug with the knife will decide what is and isn't doom.
774. The fanatic with the bomb will decide what is and isn't doom.
775. The Nation with the bomber will decide what is and isn't doom.
776. Walt Disney will decide what is and isn't doom.
777. Copyright will decide what is and isn't doom.
778. Empty cans that rattle the most will decide what is and isn't doom.
779. Three witches on a bare mountain will decide what is and isn't doom.
780. Those that play will decide what is and isn't doom.
781. Those that don't play will decide what is and isn't doom.
782. Those that wish they could play will decide what is and isn't doom.
783. Those for which doom is a passing fad will decide what is and isn't doom.
784. Chuck Heston's sword and sandle will decide what is and isn't doom.
785. Lauren Bacall putting her lips together and blowing will decide what is and isn't doom.
786. Charlie Chan will decide what is and isn't doom.
787. Jackie Chan running up a wall will decide what is and isn't doom.
788. The Wang Tang Clan will decide what is and isn't doom.
789. You want to know who decides what is and isn't doom? You can't handle who decides what is and isn't doom...
Father decides it, mother decides it
Sister decides it, brother decides it
Uncle decides it, Auntie decides it
Everyone at the party decides it
The horse decides it, the pig decides it
The judge in his wig decides it
The fox and the rabbit
And the nun in her habit decides it
My mate Bill Gates decides it
The President of the United States decides it
The slacker and the worker
The girl in her burqa decides it
The general with his tank decides it
The man at the bank decides it
The soldier with his rocket
And the mouse in my pocket decides it
The drug-addled wreck
With a needle in his neck decides it
The drunk decides it, punk decides it
The brave Buddhist monk decides it
The blind referee decides it
The unlucky amputee decides it
The giant killer bee
Landing on my knee decides it
The cop with his breathalyser
The paddy with his fertiliser
The man in the basement
That's getting a taste for it decides it
The fucked-up Rastafarian decides it
The dribbling libertarian decides it
The sweet little Goth
With the ears of cloth decides it
The cross-over country singer decides it
The hump-backed bell ringer decides it
The swinger, the flinger
The outraged right-winger decides it
The man going hiking decides it
The misunderstood Viking decides it
The man at the rodeo
And the lonely old Eskimo decides it
The mild little Christian decides it
The wild Sonny Liston decides it
The pimp and the gimp
And the guy with the limp decides it
The blind piano tuner decides it
The Las Vegas crooner decides it
The hooligan mooner
Holding a schooner decides it
The Chinese contortionist decides it
The backyard abortionist decides it
The poor Pakistani
With his lamb Bhirriani decides it
The hopeless defendant decides it
The toilet attendant decides it
The pornographer, the stenographer
The fashion photographer decides it
The college professor decides it
The vicious cross-dresser decides it
Grandma and Grandpa
In the back of the car decides it
The hack at the doorstep decides it
The midwife with her forceps decides it
The demented young lady
Who is roasting her baby decides it
The athlete with his hernia decides it
Picasso with his Guernica decides it
My wife with her furniture
Everybody decides it!
The laughing hyena decides it
The homesick polish cleaner decides it
The man from the Klan
With a torch in his hand decides it
The Chinese herbologist decides it
The Christian apologist decides it
The dog and the frog
Sitting on a log decides it
The foxhunting toff decides it
The horrible moth decides it
The doomed homosexual
With the persistent cough decides it
The Papist with his soul decides it
The rapist on a roll decides it
Jack decides it, Jill decides it
As they roll down the hill they decide it
The clever circus flea decides it
The sailor on the sea decides it
The man from the Daily Mail
With his dead refugee decides it
The hymen-busting Zulu decides it
The proud kangaroo decides it
The koala, the echidna
And the platypus too decides
The disgraced country vicar decides it
The crazed guitar picker decides it
The beatnik, the peacenik
The apparachick decides it
The deranged midnight stalker decides it
Garcia Lorca decides it
The hit man, Walt Whitman
And the haliototic talker decides it
The wine taster with his nose decides it
The fireman with his hose decides it
The pedestrian, the equestrian
The tap-dancer with his toes decides it
The beast in the beauty pageant
The pimply real estate agent
The beach-comber, the roamer
The girl in a coma decides it
The old rock'n'roller
With his two-seater stroller
And the fan in the van
With the abominable plan decides it
The menstruating Jewess decides it
The nervous stewardess decides it
The hijacker, the backpacker
The cunning safecracker decides it
The sports commentator decides it
The old alligator decides it
The tennis pro with his racquet
The loon in the straight jacket it
The butcher with his cleaver decides it
The mad basket weaver decides it
The jaded boxing writer
And the glass-jawed fighter decides it
The old town cryer decides it
The inveterate liar decides it
The pilchard, the bream
And the trout in the stream decides it
The war correspondent decides it
The enthused and the despondent decides it
The electrician, the mortician
And the man going fishin' decides it
The cattleman from Down Under decides it
The patriot with his plunder decides it
Watching a boat of full of refugees
Sinking into the sea decides it
The silicone junky decides it
The corporate flunky decides it
The Italian designer
With his rickshaw in China decides it
The trucker with his juggernaut decides it
The lost astronaut decides it
The share cropper, the bent copper
The compulsive shopper decides it
The Viennese vampire decides it
The cowboy round his campfire decides it
The game show panellist
The Jungian analyst decides it
Warren decides it, Blixa decides it
The lighting guy and mixer decides it
Mick decides it, Marty decides it
Everyone at the party decides it
The hairy arachnophobic decides it
The scary agoraphobic decides it
The mother, the brother
And the decomposing lover decides it
Babe I'm on fire 'cause Nick Cave decides it
I told you you couldn’t handle it!
790. Steven Seagal as he leaps from the helecopter onto the aircraft carrier will decide what is and isn't doom.
791. James Bond and Miss Moneypenny on the desk will decide what is and isn't doom.
792. The Druids at the summer solstice will decide what is and isn't doom.
793. The Islamic fundamentalist movement of Afghanistan will decide what is and isn't doom.
794. The conservative evangelical Christian fundamentalists of America will decide what is and isn't doom.
795. Hindu fundamentalism of India will decide what is and isn't doom.
796. Orthodox Judaism of Israel will decide what is and isn't doom.
797. We will decide what is and isn't doom.
798. You will decide what is and isn't doom.
799. I will decide what is and isn't doom.
800. I am Doom. You are Not. Not are You. Doom am I.
801. Life is.
802. Life is not.
803. Life is the nasty side-effect of birth.
804. Life is the beginning of death.
805. Life is waiting for your next big mistake.
806. Life is waiting to die.
807. Life is what happens to you if you don't die soon enough.
808. Life is dying slowly.
809. Life is what you feel not what you think you are.
810. Life is having to deal with scumbags.
811. Life is having to deal with tits and arseholes
812. The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.
813. Life is a long jump from the womb to the grave.
814. Life is hoping you'll soon wake up.
815. Life is a flight through fire.
816. Life is a state of mind.
817. Life is the creation of nothing.
818. Life is a terminal illness.
819. Life is the mind slowly fading.
820. Life is something we all need to get.
821. There is no delight in owning anything unshared.
822. Life is the main thing Doomsters like to moan about, after what is and isn't Doom of course.
823. Life is to exist.
824. Life is a test.
825. Life is a word.
826. Life is a joke.
827. Life is living together alone.
828. Life is Wage Slavery.
829. Life is listening to good music.
830. Life is drinking good beer.
831. Life is great.
832. Ignore doom rules 829 to 831.
833. Life can be summarised in a sequentially numbered list.
834. You are only a character in the string of life.
835. Life is a cannibal who eats itself in order to survive.
836. Life is an outlet for fantasies.
837. Life is a terrible thing to taste.
838. Life is a path to nowhere, walked in fear, with no real freedom, in a body that is a cage, consumed and rotting with age.
839. Life is DOOM!!! And if it isn't, then you are doing it wrong.
840. Life is forcing a smile for 70 years.
841. After silence, only doom comes close to expressing the inexpressible.
842. Songs of grief emit a recuperative aire that lends itself to the restoration of strength.
843. Life is sad-looking emoticon
844. Life is a canvas best left blank.
845. Life is a board game of Monopoly in which all the properties are taken and you just go round and round the board, but never losing enough to get out of the game.
846. Life is an annoying piece of spinach caught in your teeth.
847. Life is a life sentence to some and a death sentence to others.
848. Life is the only thing you really get.
849. Life is a wheel of continuous approximation to corporeal termination.
850. No goats. No glory.
851. Life is shit.
852. Life is killing yourself to live.
853. Computers are incredible fast, accurate and stupid. Humans are incredibly slow inaccurate and brilliant. Put them together and you’ll get an some incredibly slow and stupid on-line forum posters.
854. Let the cold clay be a place to indulge the depths of your doom.
855. Life is a gateway.
856. No it isn't.
857. Life is the slow process of discovering that all you hold dear is bullshit.
858. Life is a dream.
859. Death is as sure for that which is born, as birth is for that which is dead, so grieve not for what is inevitable.
860. And now it has started to rain.
861. Your band must sooner or later cover Burzum's "Dunkelheit" (but rule 19 still applies).
862. Old school funeral doomsters must endlessly state that Thergothon is the slowest, heaviest and darkest band ever, although there are dozens of slower, heavier and darker bands out there.
863. Melodic funeral doomsters are emo, black funeral doomsters are nerds, ambient funeral doomsters are miserable junkies and extreme funeral doomsters have crappy equipment. Only old school funeral doomsters are adult, original, well-produced and intelligent.
864. Discuss the use of sarcasm in doom rule 863.
865. Discuss the use of sarcasm in doom rule 864.
866. Doom is both observable and real.
867. You can never be 100% doom if you are dead unless of course there is an afterlife that's just as bad.
868. It takes devotion, not a 60-minute album to summon Yog-Sothoth.
869. Yog-Sothoth will decide what is and isn't doom.
870. Thou shalt not spoil a good proven dogma with myths like observable reality.
871. Doom is the music of decay, loss, and suicide, let us sing of Doom.
872. Let your Funeral Doom be a respectful reflective memoriam of others.
873. Life the indifference of others.
874. Life is wasted on the living.
875. Life is finding yourself, working hard, falling in love, building up a living, having kids, being full of hope, and then watching it all come crashing down in a big heap.
876. Life sucks.
877. Death Sucks.
878. Any Troo Doomster caught smoking dope as a first offense, shall be sentenced to a minimum of two years hard Stoner.
879. Any Troo Doomster caught wearing flares shall be excommunicated from The Fellowship of the Circle.
880. Conversation is a waste of silence.
881. Life is the wastewater of God.
882. In truth, there is no God, unless Stijn van Cauter decides to create him as a side-project.
883. Since life leads to doom just as wastewater flows into the ocean, ocean is doom (as effectively demonstrated by Tyranny).
884. Go swim in the Sea of Doom!
885. If you are trad doom, wear humongous crosses not unlike those of rappers around your neck, but still write lyrics that are at best indifferent towards Christianity.
886. Never die with your boots on. Rigor mortis can be a bitch when you're being dressed up for your funeral.
887. Over eight hundred rules for a style of music that doesn't have half that many bands is clearly nonsense, but so are seven billion people in a world where just one person is too much.
888. Eve was so frustrated with overpopulation that she preferred chatting with snakes than people.
889. Eve ate from the Tree Of Deciding What Is And Isn't Doom.
890. Verily, one of the first true doom bands was Paradise Lost, and one of the first true doom albums was Lost Paradise.
891. There are 4 kinds of doom; praiseworthy, justifiable, excusable and felonious.
892. Friendship is a lie shared by two people
893. If you tell yourself how much you hate yourself often enough, you will eventually believe it.
894. Having low expectations of yourself and others in an attempt to avoid disappointment doesn’t work.
895. Who will deliver you from yourself?
896. Who will deliver you from black ships in the sky?
897. Everybody needs some down time.
898. Life is smaller than you thought it would be.
899. All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players, but some are better actors than others.
900. Check the guy calling you a downloading thief isn’t a music executive or his shopkeeping lackey before taking him too seriously, and then check he hasn’t had his hand in your wallet.
901. Be a rock, be an island.
902. A rock feels no pain and an island never cries.
903. No Money. No Ego. No Power.
904. Doom is the new downer
905. "O woe! O woeful, woeful, woeful day!
Most lamentable day. Most woeful day
That ever, ever I did yet behold!
O day, O day, O day! O hateful day!
Never was seen so black a day as this.
O woeful day! O woeful day!"
906. Regret regretting things.
907. The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.
908. Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time. It is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.
909. It’s never too early to start work on that suicide note.
910. Forgiveness is not an option.
911. Doom is the anticipation of the inevitable.
912. All fled, all done, so lift me up on the pyre. The past is over and the lamps expire.
913. If your band is truly underground then there’s no such thing as a disappointing gig turnout.
914. Disappointment at a low gig turnout suggests mainstream aspirations.
915. Better to discover your cult leader is a fraud late, than not discover it at all.
916. Slavery is doom. Sign your band up with a record label now.
917. Make the most of your regrets. . . they are all you have.
918. Fear the future, weep for the past.
919. Life is finding a way to get rid of it
920. Life is what happens to you if you don't die soon enough
921. Life is penetrating reality and realising nothing is the answer to all
922. Life is like my beer glass, empty.
923. Looking forward to things leads to disappointment.
924. Within the storms of burning hate, lies the destiny of the false.
925. The kettle's on, the summer’s gone, it’s another day.
926. The only note the music industry understand is a money note
927. That which we are, we are, made weak by time and fate, weak in will, we strive to seek, to find, and but only when answers lie on the path of least resistance.
928. Life's a Bummer.
929. Life is like a game of Tetris; you can't win but you keep on playing anyway
930. Don’t wish you had the answer, you won’t like it.
931. Long, long ago, in the ancient texts of the Doom’s Da Vinci code, a hyphen was used to identify the fakes and phoneys. Traitors to Metal were labeled Nu-Metallers, traitors to Doom Metal were labeled Doom-Metallers. Today, this hidden message remains unknown to the false. Some Internet forums still carry the hyphen of shame without even knowing its meaning. Avoid those marked with the hyphen, they are the damned. Thou hast been warned.
932. Phoney -> a hypocrite, a person who professes beliefs and opinions that he or she does not hold in order to conceal his or her real feelings or motives, bogus, fraudulent, having a misleading appearance, to be false, to be marked with the sign of the hyphen.
933. Don't be a phoney.
934. The grand essentials of happiness are something to do, something to love and something to hope for. The grand essential of doom is the realisation that all the above are irrelevant.
935. Anne Frank said "We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same". How doom is that!
936. Happiness comes when your work and words of doom open the eyes of others so that they may see that there is no such thing as happiness.
937. For everything there is a season and a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to regret being born;
A time to plant, and a time to smoke the plant;
A time to kill, and a time to die;
A time to break down, and a time to gaze into the abyss;
A time to weep, and a time to despair;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance the dance of death;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to fill your pockets with them;
A time to embrace, and a time to see through the embrace;
A time to seek, and a time to realise there is nothing worth seeking;
A time to keep, and a time to throw everything you've kept dear away;
A time to tear, and a time to accept the tear;
A time to let things pass, and a time not to;
A time to pretend to love, and a time to give up pretense,
A time for gloom, and a time for doom, so put on Skepticism, close the curtains, and open the whiskey.
938. When you are a teenager, you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.
939. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family as far away as possible.
940. That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest.
941. If you wish to be single, play some Tyranny when making out with your girlfriend.
942. To be a Doomster is to be an outsider looking in.
943. For 3 days after death finger nails continue to grow, but phone calls tail off.
944. Life is a woeful ballad whistled to a mistress’s eyebrow
945. When a man is awakened he melts and perishes.
946. Life is like a wild flower, it flourishes until it is trodden on.
947. Love is like a bowl of freshly cut petunias, the desire to possess it, kills it.
948. Doomsters that can't grow beards should make up for it by not shaving their legs.
949. The only thing that makes reality is death, then they hang it on a cross, knee down and pray to it.
950. Our lives aren't real and don't have any lasting meaning.
951. Sewing patches on jackets is best left to boy scouts.
952. Selling patches to sew on jackets is best left to shopkeepers.
953. For never was a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and her Romeo.
954. Under the Spreading Chestnut tree, I sold you, and you sold me.
955. At all times thou shalt gravitate towards grimness.
956. Manic Depressive Doomsters when not feeling suicidal, shalt be awesome.
957. Set yourself low standards, then fail to live up to them.
958. The Lone Wolf belongs in the wilderness.
959. A Funeral Doomster is someone who knows that our lives are made by the deaths of others.
960. A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
961. Black is NOT a colour.
962. Doom rules are Doom.
963. Doom can be fast.
964. But fast Doom is a lie.
965. Doom is a lie.
966. We are a lie.
967. We'll all die.
968. But Doom never dies.
969. The disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall off the cone onto the pavement does not diminish with age.
970. Tell that guy in the mirror not to waste your time.
971. For some, suicide is a means of escape, for others it's a means of good riddance.
972. Doomed Goats are cool. Billy Goats are gruff.
973. He who is unable to live in society, or has no need because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a beast or a god.
974. I say again (see doom rule 958)... the lone wolf belongs in the wilderness
975. Be a lone wolf.
976. All elements preserve and destroy. Only in water that has become solid and hard as stone will everything be turned into eternal pillars of salt where life is barely possible.
977. Just because your dad owned a Black Sabbath vinyl, don't go thinking you are cult, you are not.
978. Press one copy of your new Doom album and place it in a time capsule with a million year release latch on so no one will ever hear it. Anything less is False Doom.
979. Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.
980. The believer is happy, the doubter is wise.
981. Talk Nonsense, but talk your own nonsense. To go wrong in your own way is better than to go right in someone else's.
982. Without lies humanity would perish of despair and boredom
983. The web of our life is of a mingled yarn, good and ill together. Our virtues would be proud were they not whipped by our faults, and would we not cherish our virtues were they not soured by our crimes?
984. Doom is knowing how to pronounce "Khanate"
985. Suicide is the exaltation of surrender.
986. Life is the slowest of suicides.
987. Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
988. Life is nature's way of telling you to drop dead.
989. Hell is a closet you are stuck inside.
990. Despair is the antidote to Action.
991. Doom is not just for Christmas.
992. Life is a mixture of inspiration, perspiration, and desperation.
993. A dream is a lie if it doesn't come true.
994. Doom is too slow for those who seek instant gratification. Doom too fast for those who don’t.
995. Doom is too long for those who want to move on to the next thing. Doom too short for those for whom Doom is their home.
996. Above all, we must abolish hope in the heart of man. A calm despair, without angry convulsions, without reproaches to Heaven, is the essence of wisdom.
997. Doom is the essence of slowness and slowness is the essence of wisdom, for everything that slows us down, forces patience and sets us back into the slow circles of nature. Thus Gardening is the embodiment of Doom.
998. In Doom, BPM stands for Beats Per Millennium
999. In Funeral Doom BPM also stands for Bereavements Per Minute.
1000. That which is not dead is not always alive, yet the living know not that they are dead, nor the dead know that they are living.
1001. A doomster should die when he should, a troo doomster should die when he can.
1002. Death has ten thousand doors for men to take.
1003. Life ends with a whimper
1004. Life ends with a sigh
1005. Life ends with a final breath of regret
1006. Suicide is a means of escape from the world and its tortures and therefore it is good.
1007. Suicide is an ever-present refuge for the weak, the weary and the hopeless. It is the greatest of all blessings which Nature gives to man, and one which even God himself lacks, for he could not compass his own death, even if he wished it.
1008. Man must learn to die at the right time.
1009. The possibility of easy and painless self-destruction is the only thing that constantly and considerably relieves the horror of human life.
1010. To be truly true, the truly false must call you false.
1011. The Mob Rules whether you listen to fools or not.
1012. No matter how fast your computer runs, you will eventually come to think of it as slow. No matter how fast you live your life, it will eventually cease to satisfy.
1013. The slower the fruit ripens, the sweeter the fruit. Doom is the sweetest of all fruits.
1014. Civilisation is the process of learning to kill humanly
1015. Life is a show that must go on… and on… and on… and on… and on...
1016. Reincarnation is a replay of every mistake you ever made.
1017. Great men suffer hours of depression through introspection and self-doubt. That is why they are great. That is why you will find modesty and humility the characteristics of such men.
1018. Life is a Doom song that lasts for how long it lasts.
1019. Depression is rage spread thin
1020. Depression is anger without enthusiasm
1021. And the living shall envy the dead.
1022. Doom is darker than black.
1023. Doom is the new Black
1024. Death Doomsters stare into the abyss, Funeral Doomsters stare into the grave, Stoner Doomsters just stare.
1025. When words are no better than silence, a wise man shuts the fuck up.
1026. Even roses need shit to grow in.
1027. Slow down.
1028. Nothing means nothing, for Nothing is Forever and Forever means nothing.
1029. Nothing can be wonderful forever.
1030. Misery constitutes the texture of all that breathes
1031. Death breeds life to feast upon, and the cries of pain are the music at his banquet.
1032. Dig your lover's grave with a silver spade.
1033. The Blues ain't nothing but a good woman on your mind. Doom ain't nothing but a good woman in the ground.
1034. If you have integrity nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters.
1035. Let the world slide, let the world go, a fig for care and a fig for woe. If I can't pay, then I can owe, and let death make equal the high and the low.
1036. Follow the smoke to the riff filled land.
1037. The world is a dull and dark place, a dreary and doomed dimension corrupted by the pitiful presence of mankind, corroded by greed, spite, malice, dishonesty, confusion, deceit, hate, and just pure fucking horrible human behaviour. We are lower than any other animal, weighed down by delusions of self-importance and distracted by constant struggles towards some concept of of power and status. We are truly, undeniably pathetic.
1038. The truest of venues to play are pubs where no one goes unless there’s a band on and no one ever tells anyone when a band is on.
1039. The truest pubs are painted black, have low lighting and look closed from the outside.
1040. Never advertise you are playing a true pub.
1041. Never go in a true pub unless you are so true it hurts.
1042. Heroes often fail.
1043. You won't read that book again because the ending's just too hard to take.
1044. Never mind.
1045. Trust takes a lifetime plus 1 day to earn, friendship takes longer.
1046. We have not wings. We cannot soar.
1047. Get thee to a brewery.
1048. The cradle rocks us gently to the grave.
1049. Reality is a mirror cracked.
1050. If the suspense is killing you, then keep going.
1051. The door of the hearse is never closed.
1052. Nobody wants to get sued by Metallica.
1053. You thought the leaden winter would bring you down forever. You were right.
1054. The sadness will last forever
1055. The slower the music, the slower the heartbeat, the closer to True Doom you come.
1056. True Doom can only be attained when the music and the heartbeat stop.
1057. Life is a dialogue between Spirit and Dust.
1058. Curb your enthusiasm.
1059. All Doom Rules are true, except the ones that mean the complete opposite.
1060. Lovely in death her beauteous ruin lay, for pity swells the tide of love.

Mon Jun 23, 2008 7:24 pm
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997. Doom is the essence of slowness and slowness is the essence of wisdom, for everything that slows us down, forces patience and sets us back into the slow circles of nature. Thus Gardening is the embodiment of Doom.

Wooo I am right. Tuinman = 'gardener'

Mon Jun 23, 2008 7:41 pm
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The extra 560 rules are bit much, I think.

Mon Jun 23, 2008 9:53 pm
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503. The pain of enduring the Book of Doom Rules shall be endless.

Mon Jun 23, 2008 10:44 pm
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"502. Any list that has more than 503 rules in it is retarded."

[color=#0000FF]"... who gnaws hungrily in inconceivable, unlighted chambers beyond time and space amidst the muffled, maddening beating of vile drums and the thin monotonous whine of accursed flutes"[/color]

Tue Jun 24, 2008 8:15 am
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Who on earth can have the nerves to sit,"invent" and write so much of the additiional rules :D It´s pretty cool anyway.

"God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him." - Friedrich Nietzsche

Thu Jun 26, 2008 6:51 pm
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sarcasticon wrote:
"502. Any list that has more than 503 rules in it is retarded."

1059. All Doom Rules are true, except the ones that mean the complete opposite.

Thu Jun 26, 2008 10:14 pm
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Betwithell wrote:
Who on earth can have the nerves to sit,"invent" and write so much of the additiional rules

That would be Beerman... :/ I think he is solely responsible for the last 700 or more of those, and as the rules state them selves; the joke really isn't funny anymore - if it ever even was. More appropriate word would be "retarded", but hey, I guess I never had a sense of humour to begin with!

Fri Jun 27, 2008 9:49 am
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who on this doomed planet actually bothered to look over those myriad of doom laws? get a pet instead.

Sat Jun 28, 2008 1:12 pm
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Why bother to even reply to this thread?

Sat Jun 28, 2008 10:05 pm
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Boredom? Irony?

Mon Jun 30, 2008 10:52 pm
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Rule 1061: Disregard all that bullshit, record doom tracks using your mobile phone mic, release only 6 copies to 6 states in 6 different locations, then go jump off a bridge so mindless idiots can worship you (make sure you die moron).


Tue Jul 01, 2008 9:19 am
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