A Dream Of Poe - The Wraith Uncrowned
View unanswered posts | View active topics It is currently Fri Feb 21, 2020 7:20 pm



Reply to topic  [ 391 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 20  Next
Funny Stuff Topic (photos, videos, ect.) 
Author Message
Forum User
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jun 15, 2007 8:50 am
Posts: 221
Location: Amsterdam
Reply with quote
Post Funny Stuff Topic (photos, videos, ect.)

women traslator:

Fine:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks:
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

Whatever:
Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

Don't worry about it, I got it:
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.


Mon Jun 18, 2007 2:43 pm
Profile WWW
Forum User
User avatar

Joined: Sun Jun 17, 2007 2:23 pm
Posts: 72
Location: North Lincs, England
Reply with quote
Post 

Image

Hmmm...

_________________
how could this go so very wrong
that I must depend on darkness
would anyone follow me further down
how could this go so very far
that I need someone to say
what is wrong
not with the world but me


Mon Jun 18, 2007 5:26 pm
Profile WWW
Forum User
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2007 12:12 am
Posts: 38
Reply with quote
Post 

Hahahaha that is soooo gross but hilarious


Mon Jun 18, 2007 9:39 pm
Profile
Forum User
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jun 15, 2007 12:38 pm
Posts: 193
Location: q8
Reply with quote
Post 

http://www.vidmax.com/index.php/videos/view/585

check out that monster fella.. AAAHEEEYYYEEH ..it's funny how they stick to one exact sound man!!

_________________
'Shut up! Give me 12 hours and I'll be as fit as a jet plane!' -Arsène Lupin III
'I must create a system, or be enslaved by another man's' -William Blake


Tue Jun 19, 2007 6:59 pm
Profile
Forum User
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jun 15, 2007 8:50 am
Posts: 221
Location: Amsterdam
Reply with quote
Post 

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top
of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and
gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

_________________
"Awake from sleep...frightening. Awake to life...faithless" Evoken


Wed Jun 20, 2007 9:34 am
Profile WWW
Forum User

Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2007 7:28 am
Posts: 253
Reply with quote
Post 

Tarantula wrote:
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top
of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and
gets on her knees and blows it right back up."


:rofl:

that made my day...thank you!

_________________
www.myspace.com/tauremorna


Wed Jun 20, 2007 11:44 am
Profile
Forum User

Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2007 7:28 am
Posts: 253
Reply with quote
Post 

A collection of funnies...enjoy!

2 Muffins in an oven:

1st Muffin: HOLY FUCK I AM BURNING HERE!!!!!

2nd Muffin: HOLY FUCK A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.”

The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.

The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.

So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"

_________________
www.myspace.com/tauremorna


Wed Jun 20, 2007 12:06 pm
Profile
Forum User
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2007 6:57 pm
Posts: 48
Location: St. Petersburg, Russia
Reply with quote
Post 

Red Lights District. A shiny white 10 meter long limousine silently approaches the prostitutes. The window in the back row opens and a beautiful man in his 50s or 60s is seen. One of the girls comes, they talk about the price and she sits into the car. Two hours later, the limo returns, the happy prostitute jumps off it and cries: "Darling! You fuck like God!" "Peter! Drive as fast as you can: we've been recognized!!!!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

17 AD. Bethelem. All the youngsters run, play football, go out with girls, et cetera and only Jesus sits at home all day long reading the Old Testament. Joseph was very worried about it, so decided to rent a slut for him to discover all the gladness of life. So, the girl came into a house... "That's it!", Joseph thought, but in five minutes the prostitute smashed the house's door and ran away with the loud yell. "What on earth has happened?", Joseph asks. "A woman came to me," Jesus answers, " And took my hand and laid it in between her legs, and felt I an incurable wound... And cured it."

_________________
INSPIRAMENTUM AEOLI (an experimenting doom/death act from Russia)

Inspiramentum Aeoli Official Site
Inspiramentum Aeoli MySpace


Wed Jun 20, 2007 1:51 pm
Profile ICQ WWW
Forum User
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jun 15, 2007 7:42 pm
Posts: 1199
Location: USA
Reply with quote
Post 

Image


Thu Jun 21, 2007 7:46 pm
Profile WWW
Forum User

Joined: Fri Jun 15, 2007 1:58 pm
Posts: 693
Reply with quote
Post 

a kid comes home from school one day, and asks for his fathers help with his homework.

"dad, i need to write a paper over the difference between theory and reality. what is the difference"?

the dad responds "go ask your mom if she would sleep with robert redford for a million dollars, then tell me what she says"

the son does this, and returns to tell his father "she said not to tell you, but yes she would".

the dad says "now go ask your sister if she would sleep with brad pitt for a nillion dollars, and come tell me what she says"

the son comes back to report that his sister replied yes, she would.

"that, my son, is the difference between theory and reality."

"i don't understand" replied the son.

"well, theoretically, we're sitting on two million dollars, but in reality, we're living with a couple of whores".


Thu Jun 21, 2007 8:11 pm
Profile
Forum User
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jun 20, 2007 8:38 pm
Posts: 165
Location: England
Reply with quote
Post 

Hmm...
I can't think of any jokes that aren't racist.

...

I tell a lie, here's one (it's rather long):

The story of the man

Once upon a time, not too long ago, there lived a man.
The man, who shall remain nameless, had been married for just six months when he and his wife decided to attend a fayre. The couple were very much in love and the romance was for from dead in their marriage. At the fayre they shot ducks and won prizes, and took part in all manner of fayre-side activities. After much dodgem-riding and coconut shying, they chanced upon a fortune-teller’s hut and were instantly captivated by its mystic allure. They entered the hut and the man demanded that his fortune be read, throwing the designated amount of money across the table. The fortune-teller (who was far from a kindly old woman) used her archaic powers to enter into a trance and gaze into his future. Just as the man had had enough and was getting up to leave, the fortune-teller gave a great cry of despair and slumped unto her table. The man instantly resumed his seat.
“What is it?” he asked, anxiously “Tell me my future.”
“I dare not, my dear customer,” said the fortune-teller with a smattering of satisfaction in her voice, “It is too horrible.” The slight satisfaction provoked the man’s patience.
“Nonsense,” he cried, “I paid good money for my fortune to be told, so tell it to me, old crone.”
The fortune-teller again refused, but the man did persist and finally the fortune-teller conceded. She pulled out a piece of paper from some dark crevice at the back of her hut. “Very well,” she said “I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll write your fortune on this piece of paper, fold it up and give it to you. Then you leave my tent and never approach it again. What you do when you’ve left is your own business.” The man, satisfied, agreed to this agreement. He snatched the paper from the old woman’s hands and departed hastily, a devilish grin of victory on his face.
When outside the tent, the man saw the sun setting behind the trees. The sunset filled him with a deep calm, clearing the malice from his heart, and he began to sympathise with the fortune-teller he’d just left. Perhaps his fortune was too horrible to contemplate. If it was did he really want to know? Not really, he decided.
“Well?” said his wife, “Why aren’t you opening the piece of paper?”
“I don’t want to,” he said “I’m afraid of what it might say.” His wife wasn’t impressed at his sudden meekness.
“Did I marry such a coward, who’s afraid of the writing of a crazy old woman?” she asked. The man was shocked; he’d never seen this side of his wife before. His protests were weak and, after a little pressure, the man caved in.
“Fine,” he cried bitterly “Take the paper and read the damned thing for yourself.” And with that he flung the folded piece of paper at her and relished the silence that this action had produced.
His wife opened the piece of paper, read it, folded it and gave it back to the man. Her eyes met his, and there was fire of hatred in her eyes. “Get out of my sight,” she said, quietly.
“What?”
“I said get out of my sight.” She was screaming, now. “Never come near me again. From this day on, consider yourself divorced.” And with that she stormed off, leaving the man standing in shock, the piece of paper in his hand.

The man was heartbroken. His wife that he loved dearly had just left for a reason he did not know and, in search of comfort, the man went to his brother’s house. He walked up to the door and rung the bell. Not a few moments had passed before it was opened by the man’s brother.
“My dear brother,” said he “What brings you to my humble doorstep?”
The man moaned a moan of misery before replying. “I have a terrible affliction in my heart,” he said “Just today my wife left me for a reason I cannot fathom.” His brother gasped and was filled with compassion.
“Please, come in, tell me what happened.” The man nodded and entered his brother’s house, and told his brother the events that occurred at the fayre that day. When the man had finally finished his story his brother spoke in sympathy: “Oh, but that’s terrible, we must do something about it. Let me see that piece of paper so then maybe I can see your wife and sort this misunderstanding out.” The man nodded again and handed his brother the paper.
His brother opened the piece of paper, read it, folded it and gave it back to the man. In a rage he began to drag the man to the front door.
“How could you do that?” he said.
“What?”
“I never thought you were capable of that.”
“What!?”
“Don’t associate yourself with my family anymore.”
The man was lost for words. In his silence his brother slammed the door in his face, leaving him in the cold of the night.
The man was heartbroken again. He knew now that there was only one person he could turn to; his best friend. This friend he had known since his childhood when they used to play together in the park. This friend, he knew, would never let him down and so he made his may to his house.

The man reached his friend’s house and was greeted warmly.
His friend smiled warmly when he saw the man “How are you?” he asked “I swear, it’s been too long since last I saw you. Please come in, have some tea, coffee, sheesha...” Suddenly he noticed the grief that dominated the man’s face. “I see that you’re upset,” he said “Please, come in and tell me what ails you so.” So the man entered the house and, over a cup of tea, relayed to him the woeful story of that night. His friend agreed that it was truly a disastrous series of events.
“But, what was written on that paper?” his friend asked.
“I don’t know; I never looked at it.”
“Then, could I-” But the man had learned.
“Ah!” the man exclaimed “Twice I’ve shown the paper to people and twice I was heartbroken. I won’t make it a third tonight.”
But his friend insisted, regaling stories of their childhood in his defence. He, he claimed, would never abandon the man. Finally the man gave in (he was quite weak-willed, as you may have already gathered).
He opened the piece of paper, read it, folded it and gave it back. A great fear filled the man.
“Leave,” said his friend. The man didn’t even bother to argue. For the third time that night he was heartbroken.

In the street the man was lost. Everyone he loved and held dear had rejected him that night and now he was truly at a loss for what to do. He walked to the docks and there he stared into the sea, wandering whether he should just jump into the icy water and kill himself. He stood there for a very long time and eventually a kindly sea captain came across the man.
“Why do you stand here so distraught?” he asked.
“Tonight I have lost everyone that’s dear to me,” said the man “Perhaps I should just end my life now; there’s nothing left for me here” With that the man made to jump into the sea, but the captain held his arm firmly.
“Don’t be a fool,” he said “Come, I’ll give you a job on my ship. The work is hard, but it’ll keep your mind off what has happened this night and you’ll start a new life in peace.” The man agreed to this and joined the captain on his ship.
For two years the man worked for the captain and during that time the two of them became firm friends. One night in the middle of a voyage it came to pass that the man told the story of the odious night on which the captain had found him. A sheepish grin fell on the captain’s face.
“Perhaps I could see that paper...?” the captain said.
“My captain and my friend,” said the man “Please don’t make me show you that paper. Nothing good will come of it, I swear.”
However, the captain was not content with this. He reminded the man of who it was that rescued the man from the brink of suicide. Laying on the guilt thick, the captain finally got his way.
He took the paper in his hand, opened it, read it, folded it and returned it to the man. He said nothing. The captain went into his cabin and reappeared after a few moments with a shotgun in his hand. The gun was pointed at the man.
“Get off my ship,” he said in a dark, monotone voice.
“But we’re in the middle of the ocean,” the man protested.
“I don’t care. Get off or I’ll shoot you.”
Faced with no choice, the man jumped off the ship into the ocean. He watched as it sailed away and scanned the horizon for any other ship that might rescue him. None were around. He realised that his time was up and that he was going to die. If his death was a certainty now, he may as well find out what was written on the paper that had caused him so much trouble. He took the paper from his pocket it and opened. He gazed at its contents.
Unfortunately, the water had run away the ink.


End.

_________________
http://www.therockofsisyphus.com/


Thu Jun 21, 2007 9:33 pm
Profile WWW
Forum User
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jun 20, 2007 1:29 pm
Posts: 199
Location: Tennessee
Reply with quote
Post 

Image


Fri Jun 22, 2007 12:37 am
Profile
Forum User
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jun 15, 2007 7:42 pm
Posts: 1199
Location: USA
Reply with quote
Post 

Image

_________________
|| Index of Music Reviews ||
|| Last.FM ||
|| Rate Your Music ||
|| Don't Be Afraid: Detox's Guide To Doom Metal ||


Fri Jun 22, 2007 4:22 pm
Profile WWW
Forum User
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2007 4:52 pm
Posts: 1692
Location: Overskye out the Multiverse somewhen...
Reply with quote
Post 

Robert Tilton, the Farting Preacher:

http://www.fartingpreacher.org/index.php?action=showgal&cat=25

Image

_________________
Ian McDuyhard wrote:
- "It's a Stone Groove, innit?!?"

click here, ya bastid! ---> Stone Groove Records


Last edited by TrogDawn on Sun Jun 24, 2007 2:08 am, edited 2 times in total.



Sun Jun 24, 2007 2:04 am
Profile WWW
Forum User
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2007 4:52 pm
Posts: 1692
Location: Overskye out the Multiverse somewhen...
Reply with quote
Post 

Hillarious Asian skit:

http://emuse.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/22326

_________________
Ian McDuyhard wrote:
- "It's a Stone Groove, innit?!?"

click here, ya bastid! ---> Stone Groove Records


Last edited by TrogDawn on Sun Jun 24, 2007 2:13 am, edited 2 times in total.



Sun Jun 24, 2007 2:06 am
Profile WWW
Forum User
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2007 4:52 pm
Posts: 1692
Location: Overskye out the Multiverse somewhen...
Reply with quote
Post 

When Album Covers Attack:

http://www.spazvideo.com/?p=515

_________________
Ian McDuyhard wrote:
- "It's a Stone Groove, innit?!?"

click here, ya bastid! ---> Stone Groove Records


Sun Jun 24, 2007 2:07 am
Profile WWW
Forum User
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2007 4:52 pm
Posts: 1692
Location: Overskye out the Multiverse somewhen...
Reply with quote
Post 

The REAL Simpsons:

http://www.spazvideo.com/?p=434

_________________
Ian McDuyhard wrote:
- "It's a Stone Groove, innit?!?"

click here, ya bastid! ---> Stone Groove Records


Sun Jun 24, 2007 2:11 am
Profile WWW
Forum User
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2007 4:52 pm
Posts: 1692
Location: Overskye out the Multiverse somewhen...
Reply with quote
Post 

AWESOME impressionist:

http://www.spazvideo.com/?p=661

_________________
Ian McDuyhard wrote:
- "It's a Stone Groove, innit?!?"

click here, ya bastid! ---> Stone Groove Records


Sun Jun 24, 2007 2:12 am
Profile WWW
Forum User
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jun 15, 2007 8:50 am
Posts: 221
Location: Amsterdam
Reply with quote
Post 

Image

_________________
"Awake from sleep...frightening. Awake to life...faithless" Evoken


Mon Jun 25, 2007 7:39 am
Profile WWW
Forum User
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jun 22, 2007 12:22 pm
Posts: 52
Reply with quote
Post 

Image


Mon Jun 25, 2007 10:24 am
Profile
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Reply to topic   [ 391 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 20  Next

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group.
Designed by STSoftware for PTF.