Yup, here it is. Beerman added 100s of rules to the original 25 or so. Funny as hell. I've edited the list a bit and corrected some errors (mainly spelling mistakes).
The 499 Rules of Doom Metal
Chapter 0
1. Life is too short to experience all that is good.
2. Life is too long to enjoy living.
3. Every day is a funeral.
4. Do not wear anything but flat black clothes and combat boots.
5. Do not smile.
6. Do not laugh.
7. Death Doom is not slow Death Metal, unless you think it is.
8. Doom Metal is not Death Metal with a violin.
9. No matter what anyone says, that vocalist is not the Cookie Monster.
10. I said "No laughing!!!"
11. No matter what anyone says, you're not a Goth.
12. While a black teddy bear with a broken heart hanging from a noose on your windshield may very well symbolize your tortured inner nature, it's not very metal.
13. It is acceptable to listen to non-doomy music if you play it at 1/4 of its normal tempo.
14. You may complain about an album's production unless it is a Thergothon release.
15. You will own Thergothon's 'Stream from the Heavens', but never listen to it because of the bad sound quality.
16. Spend years looking for that extremely rare limited to 500 copies vinyl only release that you must own, then listen to it twice in your lifetime.
17. You must never admit to liking a "fast part" on a Doom CD, unless it is Disembowelment.
18. Watch incomprehensible cult movies with no plot, storyline or anything remotely interesting happening because "it's doomy!".
19. You can make fun of Nazis unless the said Nazi is Fucked up Mad Max. Then you can overlook his beliefs because his "music was good".
20. Album covers must contain one of the following: ruins, spirits in agony, a cemetary sculpture of an angel, or a pretty painting of heaven.
21. But you're not a Goth!
22. As a doomster, you're too apathetic to engage in silly music genre debates.
23. Unless someone calls you Gothic, then it's on.
24. Always let your goat listen first to a new CD, so she may consider if it's good or bad for you.
25. Kitty cats are not appropriate pets unless they're black and depressed.
26. You must appreciate folk polka metal because polka is dark, emotional and "…really doomier than Serenades when you think about it."
27. Consider yourself open-minded about music.
28. Consider all other metal narrow-minded, especially "True Norwegian Black Metal"!
29. Ignore the contradiction of the above two rules.
30. If you're a Traditional Doom fan, you must complain endlessly about My Dying Bride, and call all the non-trad fans "Gothic Fags." Also complain about Droning Doom because it's not music.
31. If you're a Sludge Doom fan moan that Trad Doom is really Heavy Rock.
32. If you're a Stoner Doom Fan, you are not paranoid. They are all out to get you.
33. If you're a Doom/Death fan, you must complain endlessly about Droning Doom because it's even slower and more boring than what you listen to. Also complain about Trad Doom because half the vocalists sound like they've been castrated.
34. If you're a fan of Droning Doom, you're probably too busy zoning on the droning to be reading this list, or to even care.
35. Remember Rule 22. You do not engage in silly music genre debates.
36. If someone says Doom Metal is a mix between Death Metal and Gothic Metal, kick him in the nuts (assuming he has some, and you're not fixated on an Earth CD at the time, in which case you probably wouldn't hear a word he said anyway).
37. Make sure your CD's artwork includes a big thank you to all those imaginary friends that helped you out, including the guy who made the coffee, just in case everyone starts calling you 'Billy-No-Mates'.
38. If you find yourself describing your favourite piece of music as "Joyful," "A bright ray of sunshine," or "the super happy fun song," there's a slight chance that it's not Doom.
39. Doom Reviews containing descriptions such as "Crushing," "Monolithic," "Depressive," and "Suicidal" are good reviews… and yes, these are complimentary terms!
40. If you feel down, then listen to some truly soul crushing, suicidal Doom to cheer you up.
41. If you are Doom, you are probably from Finland or Yorkshire.
42. Even if you're not Doom, if you're from Finland, you're probably still a miserable bastard.
43. No matter how slow you play, you can always play slower.
44. If there are more than 30 beats per minute, the music is too fast.
45. If you play anything above 30 bpm, you are probably Pop music, unless you are Disembowelment.
46. If Skepticism suddenly decides to play something above 30 bpm, then we will make an exception for them too, but this is very unlikely.
47. Make sure to include such words as 'Emptiness', 'Dying', 'Solitude', 'Cold', 'Night', 'Despair', 'Demon', 'Caress', 'Darkness', and 'Shadows' in your band name, song titles, and lyrics. Arrange them in faux poetic ways such as "In the Cold Demon's Caress, I lay Dying," "Dark Emptiness," "In Demonic Shadows, I Despair." "Empty Shadows of Death," and one that every true doomster should relate to: "Nights of Solitude".
48. Only the first two albums of a band are True™ Doom.
49. Disband after the first album or mini-cd and you're CULT!
50. Never let your audience know if your new song is an instrumental or not until you really have to. Give them at least 3 minutes to guess how the song will turn out.
51. Record 6 songs that span over the length of 2 full CDs. Obviously intro's, outro's and short intermezzo's (on both disks) are included in the song count.
52. You must make fun of Black Metal musicians taking pictures in the woods. Promptly afterwards you will have your band-mate follow you into a thicket by the local cemetery with a 35mm camera for "band shots".
53. True™ Doom lyrical content must include references to: a relative, spouse, fiancée or pet dying, or abstract explorations of getting dumped by your girlfriend.
54. If you reference all of the above in a single song, you qualify for "Sooper Dooper Pooper Scooper True Cult Doom" status. An example of this would be: "Rover has passed into the frozen wastes of Kadath, and my heart has been rent from my ribcage by thee, temptress bitch."
55. There have to be at least 3 different songs with the same name in your repertoire. (You may put a number after it if you want, such as "Rover, My Temptress Bitch MXVIII.")
56. While practicing your death metal "Cookie Monster" vocals, resist the temptation to write songs about how much the chocolate chips long to join the sugary dough for one last dip into the pond of milk white purity before being thrown into the gaping maw of a ravenous muppet.
57. Most importantly, and I can't stress this enough: Be from Finland!
58. A Funeral Doom riff should last a minimum of 15 seconds, and repeat itself for at least 16 minutes.
59. You know you are a funeral doomster when you find yourself saying, "Black Sabbath just play too fast."
60. If you're a traditional doomster, rip off Black Sabbath, Saint Vitus, Obsessed, Pagan Altar and Pentagram, then claim any similarity is pure coincidence.
61. Mourn the loss of Paradise Lost a once great band.
62. Violinists are not necessarily gay.
63. The mark of good Funeral Doom is whether you can get a beer from the fridge in the time between two snare hits.
64. True doomsters are too depressed to go to band practice.
65. Using occult symbols in your song titles does not make you a wizard.
66. Doomsters are not kvlt, tr00, gr1m or pretentious.
67. Hide your Darkthrone records when one of your doomed mates visits.
68. Any song shorter than 8 minutes is an 'Intro'.
69. Doom bands should not be popular, unless they're disbanded, then they are CULT.
70. Don't go out, unless the weather's cold and dreary.
71. Funerals are your favourite pastime.
72. State explicitly that Doom bands are interesting and varied, then record a song with one riff the entire 20 minutes of the track.
73. If you are no longer Doom, say you've "progressed" and deny that any previous doom recording even existed.
74. Sing along in the bath to your favourite Doom band, then deny it because your too "depressed" to sing to yourself in the bath.
75. Doomsters listen to a variety of music, are able to appreciate many music forms, and laugh at the shit non-doomsters listen to.
76. All Doom bands are pioneering even if they sounds like every other Doom band
77. Keep tours to a minimum, if people want to see you they have to be cult enough to travel at least 20,000 miles
78. If more than 20 people ever come to one of your shows, you have to break up or else you're a sell-out
79. Name your demos and albums with strange titles like "Cthulghy Hyoyrto Skyththte", or "Jhihhee Eliidhhddeenn Fffffhhhhttthjhjuuuuu". By doing this, your band will look really avant-garde, progressive and Doom.
80. Be tired and indifferent during interviews. Your answers should contain at least 10 long-structured sentences. Otherwise, you are just a punk rock prick.
81. Doom musicians don't move at gigs. If they move, they are not Doom.
82. Same applies to the audience.
83. Do not update your band's website.
84. If your fellow-band members are manic-depressive, make sure you quit before they reach the manic phase!
85. Never respond to e-mails, especially if they are asking to buy your CD.
86. Don't release any of your tracks on the internet, so people can't find out how you sound. And when you do finally release your album, release it on an obscure label from Australia that refuses to distribute any of the 500 printed copies.
87. If possible, do not release anything when your band is still together. After you're disbanded, release your abominable rehearsal tapes and sell them at outrageous prices.
88. Artwork should only use official Doom colours. Fluorescent primaries are not Doom, neither is 'Barbie Pink'.
89. Make really happy music and sing about always looking on the bright side of life… Eric Idle is Doom?… Life's a bowl of shit, when you look at it!
90. If someone can recognize one of your band members in a picture, you are not Doom.
91. Do not betray your favourite band by wearing one of their T-Shirts. If someone sees it and listens to them, they will become popular and hence commercial sell-out shit.
92. Re-re-re-re-release your demo on tape or vinyl, but not on CD, and make sure no one ever will be able to buy it.
93. You know when you are listening to Doom when you're out cycling and old ladies walk past you.
94. You know when you are listening to Doom when that snail jumps out in front of you.
95. The mark of a good Funeral Doom album is to put it on, go to sleep and find it's still playing when you wake up.
96. Make sure your booklet doesn't contain lyrics or information of any sort.
97. Doom should sound like being alone, naked, with no food, or water, in the middle of a terrible blizzard, with a lot of hatred and pain in your heart, while being on drugs. If it doesn't, go see a doctor of Doom.
98. Finland, Finland, Finland, the country where I want to be, pony trekking or camping, or just watching TV. Finland, Finland, Finland, it's the country for me!
99. Always keep the curtains closed, use candles if you must have light.
Chapter I
100. Your first breath is the beginning of your death.
101. Go drown yourself in a stream of mourn.
102. Never let anybody else contribute to a list of Doom Rules.
103. Life is full of suffering, a seemingly endless path in the blackest darkness imaginable, which stops suddenly and you fall into even blacker nothingness.
104. Emptiness rules.
105. Skepticism is spelt with a 'K'.
106. Happiness is a worthless electrical illusion created by pointless peasants.
107. Time is what happens between mistakes.
108. Life is what happens to you if you don't die soon enough.
109. Nothing is the answer to everything.
110. People are cannibals who eat themselves in order to sustain themselves.
111. Doom is a state of mind, a dark blue, blanket grey, black state of mind.
112. You are born, you chug alone on rails, you pause at stations to let people on and off and you terminate; and there is nothing you can do about it… and that is the shape of despair.
113. Life is the search for an answer that doesn't exist.
114. Life is loneliness in a world of 6 billion people.
115. In all things, be alone.
116. Doomsters like to moan about life.
117. Everything is bullshit and fake, and your dreams are insignificant.
118. Take each day at a time and discard yesterday's burdens or they will crush you when you add them to tomorrows.
119. Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
120. Life is pop-up hell.
121. Life… don't talk to me about life.
122. Life is a joke.
123. Nothing is real.
124. Ambition is like smoking face down in bed.
125. Happiness is keeping busy and not thinking too much.
126. Happiness is about being happy that you're not sad about being unhappy.
127. The music business is a monkey's arse.
128. Judge a person by their record collection.
129. There is no problem that cannot be solved by real ale.
130. Love is a poisoned chalice and hatred is the antidote.
131. Life is like a box of chocolates, some do without, others have plenty. It sticks in my throat, my stomach's in knots, while your box is so full, mine's perpetually empty.
132. Hell is other people.
133. Beauty was invented by a postcard salesman who owned a biscuit tin factory.
134. Fail young, fail often.
135. Avoid moments of clarity.
136. Look forward to your last breath and the pleasure of that final disappointment and say "Is that all there is? If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing, let's break out the booze and have a ball, if that's all there is".
137. Never brush your teeth with a Noothgrush.
138. Living is pointless, death is pointless, talking to others is pointless, so what's my point?
139. Life is like a bookcase and happiness is candy on the top shelf and you're a four-year-old who can't reach. Just don't be surprised when the whole lot crashes down on you when you climb up to reach it and the candy falls further out of reach… and then you die.
140. Be content to vanish into nothingness when you die for no show, however good, could conceivably be good forever.
141. Reality is an internal representation, so don't worry about it.
142. Worry about your next meal instead of enjoying the one you have.
143. In all things be drunk.
144. Doomsters don't take 'Speed', they take 'Slow'.
145. "Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time. And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing"… is more a statement than a rule.
146. Life is a 100-year-mortgage that you can't afford the payments on.
147. When your creativity has dried up and shriveled like an old prune, sign up with Century Media and abandon Doom altogether and go MTV-friendly, but still cite My Dying Bride as one of your major influences.
148. Insist your latest album is the bleakest, and most haunting your band has ever recorded, even if it's your debut.
149. Drone doomsters do go OooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNNNNNNnnn… nnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnNNNNNN… NNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, sometimes.
150. Mournful Congregation would like to thank depression, pain, death, suicide, distain, misery, sadness, gloom, dejection, melancholia, desolation, despondency, discouragement, downheartedness, grief, suffering, distress, anguish, torture, agony, torment, woe, sorrow, wretchedness, unhappiness, affliction, displeasure, misfortune, lamentation, mourning, solitude, solemnity and Doom… and so should you.
151. Generally speaking Sludge doomsters are angry, Gothic doomsters are sad, Funeral doomsters are barely breathing, Death doomsters are dirty, drunk and dribbling, Stoner doomsters don't care, Drone doomsters are out of it and Traditional doomsters are permanently pissed off, mainly with other doomsters.
152. Have at least one goat-related song on your new album.
153. If you are from England, become sad and embittered that no-one gives two fucks about you, your band or your label, because in England nobody cares about anything except their own little stash, nobody that is except those 30 odd people who do turn up to see you play, and they are worth more than a stadium full of fair weather trend-following wankers.
154. If half the audience hasn't left out of frustration before you've finished your first note, then you're playing too fast.
155. Trad Doom bands have to have shit singers, it's the law.
156. No one else understands why a 2-note song is good, but you don't care.
157. Impaled Nazarene are Doom because of the shear number of goats involved.
158. Make sure your drummer's not awake during gigs. After the gig, wake him up and tell him he played fantastic.
159. Look very bored during parties. If anyone asks, say you amuse yourself.
160. Debuts are good. Follow-ups are repetition and sell-out.
161. Make fun of punks. Remember though, you are open-minded.
162. Trust me, your last gig was awful.
163. Blame others for your lack of success if success is what you seek (you know who you are).
164. Make sure at least one member of your band owns a record label, otherwise you'll never release anything other than CD-Rs.
165. If no one in your bands owns a record label then write rave reviews of the bands that do.
166. Don't mention Lee Dorian's singing ability. Remember, he owns a record label.
167. "The end will come for all these lies, life is worthless, life will die, there's no need to cry" --Douglas P.
168. Funeral doomsters: Make sure you have a tuner connected to your guitar, it's bound to get out of tune between strikes.
169. Did the lights just go out or was that the night?
170. Expect the term 'Score' to mean one thing to a Funeral doomster and something completely different to a Stoner doomster.
171. Expect the phrase "Is there another key?" to mean one thing to a Death doomster and something completely different to a Stoner doomster.
172. The glass is half empty, dummy.
173. Don't cry into your beer, it will water it down and make it taste salty.
174. Doom SHALL rise.
175. Doom or be doomed.
176. Say after me… "I will stay on this revolving globe of outrage until it breaks wind and collapses on itself."
177. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
178. Pour your heart and soul into designing a flyer, get them printed, then don't post them. It's connected with rule 91… Flyers = Sellout… remember, no one must know.
179. Always outnumber your audience in case they beat you up after the gig and nick your equipment.
180. Tell everyone that your bandmembers are all 100% True Doom, even if the drummer's secretly into Thrash, the guitarist's a closet Malmsteen fan and the bassplayer's so doped up he thinks he's a Prog-Rocker.
181. You can be in as many bands as you like, but just make sure that they all play the same stage on the same night, and ideally, sound exactly the same.
182. Get a girlfriend! …she will double the audience! …and do the pretend weepy bits in your video for free!
183. Amaze your audience and get a full line-up together.
184. To be classified True™ Doom you must obtain a signed certificate of authentication from Wino.
185. Any sign of progression or deviation from the True™ Doom path will result in debagging and expulsion from the 'Circle of True Doom'™. Disgraced band member's names will be struck from the 'Children of Doom'™ register and Wino certification withdrawn.
186. The Swans are Doom.
187. Doom is Rage without the aggression.
188. Don't try and headbang to Funeral Doom, you'll look ridiculous.
189. Rather than headbanging and looking amazingly ridiculous, prepare for your next Funeral metal gig by avoiding sex, or touching your wankshaft for a couple of weeks, let your balls swell up to the size of melons, then on the night, drop your trousers and unleash your awe-inspiringly large testicles… arch your back… spread your legs wide… and sway them to and fro in time to the mega slow metal thereby avoiding any possibly headbanging embarrasing situation.
190. There is pleasure in grief.
191. Doom is the sound of inevitability.
192. Don't pay by the hour for rehearsal space if you intend running through a few Until Death Overtakes Me-numbers.
193. The doomed mind is a terrible thing to taste so spice it up with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
194. Doomed solo composers must have Funeral, Drone and Ambient projects and several combinations thereof on the go at any one time to be taken seriously.
195. Insist that all of these projects are different, even if they sound the same.
196. Trad doomsters: claim you know Wino, Scott Reagers and Bobby Liebling. The rest: just claim you were present in the studio when My Dying Bride recorded 'Turn Loose the Swans'.
197. Don't go looking for dog shit in the woods, it will find you.
198. Having stepped in a dog's turd, a doomster will see it as an inevitable event in their doomed life and resign themself to the smell that follows them around rather than wipe it off.
199. Don't follow rules.
Chapter II
200. Rarely do the people around you have anything more worthwhile to say than the Doom band on your headphones.
201. A portable CD-player is an essential part in isolating yourself from the world.
202. Never stop asking what is Doom, it makes a great hobby.
203. Doom shalt be heavy.
204. Doom shalt be Slow, Deep and Hard… but thou shalt not be Type O Negative
205. If that 6-foot red squirrel playing Doom in the corner of your room is starting to disturb you, then you may wish to change your lifestyle.
206. Don't get mad with God, get even.
207. Use the 'Skip of Doom' to get rid of your emotional bagage.
208. Go get a troubled soul.
209. Murphy's Law is real, the toast really will fall butter-side down on the carpet every time.
210. If it makes you feel Doom… then it is Doom.
211. Emotion and Meaning are two sides of the same Doom coin. Now, if only we knew what the edge meant.
212. Regularly check your Doom trueness for lumps and bumps against the latest dictionary definitions:
Doom (n) - Inevitable destruction or ruin.
- Fate, especially a tragic or ruinous one.
- A decision or judgment, especially an official condemnation to a severe penalty.
- Judgment Day
- A computer game involving the killing of monsters.
- Doom (v) Doomed, Dooming, Dooms.
- To condemn to ruination or death.
- To destine to an unhappy end.
213. Doom is not an excuse to neglect your personal hygiene… and stop picking your nose when I'm talking to you.
214. Put more angels on your album covers.
215. Doom is for bands who want to be alone.
216. The medical treatment for Manic Doomster-ism is Iron Monkey.
217. Come up with as many Rules of Doom as possible.
218. If somebody comes up with more Rules of Doom than you, he or she is without doubt a poser.
219. If rule 218 happens, drown yourself in self-pity… but you're still not a Goth.
220. Doom is like dust, it gets everywhere.
221. Don't read stupid fucking lists of Doom Metal-rules, especially on internet forums.
222. The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything is 42. Typical.
223. Doom sacrifices speed on the altar of Tempo.
224. True™ doomsters are more underground, masculine and heroic than the rest of us, even if we don't know it.
225. Use tranquilizers, they're less addictive than Doom Metal.
226. If you feel that you are lost forever, then you probably should be.
227. Doom Metal is free emotional art, that generally isn't free.
228. Beware of bands that shamelessly self-promote their units of production on internet forums.
229. Don't play Doom at parties, it just doesn't work.
230. Don't play Eyehategod to your mother-in-law if you want to impress her on how well you are looking after her precious daughter.
231. Ultimately everything is about power, be it politics, electricity or Doom Metal.
232. Happiness leads to Misery.
233. Misery loves company, Doom doesn't, that's the difference.
234. Doom isn't just for Christmas and family outings.
235. Doom is the best friend you'll ever have… sad, ain't it.
236. Playing Until Death Overtakes Me on your first date is unlikely to get you laid.
237. Doom is in the riff, except when it isn't.
238. Music with a brain generally requires a listener with a brain.
239. There is an inevitability about the futility of it all.
240. Doom is black and white, sweet and sour, hope and hopelessness, anger and fear, contentment and discontentment, fulfilment and emptiness.
241. Treacle thoughts require slow music.
242. Beware slugs! They are liable to leap out in front of you when you least expect it (also see snails Rule 94).
243. A back-to-front mood spells doom.
244. "Sorry For The Inconvenience" really was the last message of God to his creation.
245. When contributing to this list, make sure you leave at least 3 hours to type each rule.
246. A doomy bass player may stumble over his own strings during a gig.
247. There is a treble knob on your amp, just don't use it.
248. Saint Vitus was the first Doom Dancer.
249. Doom is more reflective than any mirror.
250. "Shake off this downy sleep, death's counterfeit, and look on death itself! Up, up, and see the great doom's image!" – Macbeth
251. Don't park your bicycle in the 'Crack of Doom'.
252. If you are going to commit suicide, at least wait until you've released your last decent album.
253. If you sing like Jabba-the-Hut then join a Death Doom band. If you look like Jabba-the-Hut, join the Doom Police.
254. Tune your violin down to B.
255. Any band with a violinist is doomed to be written off as a 'My Dying Bride clone', even though My Dying Bride don't have a violinist.
256. There is no such thing as Doom Metal.
257. Stoner is not Trad… except when it is.
258. Just because you're not a Goth doesn't mean you can't mate with one. Your children will be Gothic Doom, and grow up to form a My Dying Bride clone. You can buy them a violin for their 1st birthday.
259. Gothic chicks are gorgeous, but taking them to a Doom gig without a paper bag over their head will ruin your street cred. This is why nearly every girl at a Doom gig has a paper bag over her head.
260. If at a Doom gig someone asks "Is the girl under the paper bag with you?", make out either she's your ugly sister, or a disturbed boulimia patient on a trip out from the hospital under your supervision, and then ask who's the girl under the paper bag he's with.
261. If you're looking in an issue of 'Wild Gothic Chicks in Lust!' in the local paper store cover it up with a copy of the gay times, or read it with a paper bag over your head (obviously with two slits for the eyes… stupid).
262. No, you didn't buy the wrong Pentagram-album, you just happen to like Turkish Metal and are developing your taste in a different cultural background.
263. For a genre that has more sub-genres than the rest of metal put together, Doom Metal surprisingly remains the most universal, genre-less form of human expression.
264. To sing Darkwave Doom you must be beautiful and wear a romantic flowing dress. Hairy-arsed doomsters with beards should not attempt to sing Darkwave.
265. Beauty is only a light switch away.
266. 'Skepticism' is not a book about religion.
267. Put your heart and soul into your music, then rubbish it so that no one wants to hear it.
268. If you must regret, then regret everything.
269. Seek inner silence by playing your music as loudly as possible.
270. Everyone who competes in the rat-race is a doomster, they just don't know it.
271. Either love life so much that you dread your death, or hate it so much that you dread your living.
272. Doom is death and Doom is life.
273. You'd better slow down, don't dance so fast, time is short, the music won't last.
274. If you find yourself being happy, then you have too much time on your hands. Being doomed is a full-time job.
275. If you find you have too much time on your hands, catalogue your Doom collection into hundreds of different categories.
276. If you think melancholy, despair and sadness are cathartic paths for individual growth, spirituality, and empathy for a dying world, then you really should take up the violin.
277. Happiness is ultimately depressing.
278. Your degree of doomsterism is directly proportional to the number of people queuing up to tell you are not True™.
279. Your degree of doomsterism is directly proportional to how optimistic you find the works of Schopenhauer.
280. When your liver and kidneys have stopped working, you're perennially constipated and are coughing up blood, you know it's time to leave Electric Wizard.
281. If you have ever felt remotely excited at all, then you are not Doom.
282. If your negativity doesn't attract lightning, then you are not Doom
283. Thou shalt be depressed. Thou shalt make others depressed. Those that hear thy music shalt be depressed, and their depression shalt make thou even more depressed - Amen.
284. If the lamp doesn't fall off the speaker, then the bass isn't loud enough.
285. The test of a real doomster is the peeled banana skin should turn brown before the banana is eaten.
286. Make randomly long, low humming noises throughout the day.
287. Be in time with the song in your head.
288. An mp3-player shall not have the disk space to hold more than 7 Funeral Doom songs.
289. Urinate slowly.
290. Real gothic doomsters cry a veil of tears.
291. Don't sell your soul on e-bay… just in case.
292. Take 5 hours to make a sandwich, and that sandwich shall be a slice of utter negativity between two slices of dry bread.
293. Your band's cover version of Sabbath's 'Iron Man' shall be played at quarter speed.
294. Your band's cover version of Skepticism 'The March and the Stream' shall span several CDs… and be terrifying.
295. Novice progressive Doom bands shall restrict themselves to Atmospherically Droning Funeral Gothic Death Stoner Sludge Traditional Doom and not try and be too clever.
296. When you think you can't tune your guitar any lower, tune it lower… and then tune it lower still… and then tune it lower.
297. Thou shalt curse the rush-hour traffic, for it movest too fast for thou to finish thine Doom tape.
298. Nothing really matters, except the things that do.
299. Don't take yourself too seriously.
Chapter III
300. People are the pits.
301. If you think this week was boring, wait till you see what happens next week.
302. Take bitterness in your coffee, not sugar.
303. The alternative to death is a lifelong funeral in the company of strangers.
304. Shop window dummies and optimists have a lot in common, not least their smiles.
305. The only person more alone than a doomster, is a non-doomster.
306. If you run out of ideas you can always use Black Sabbaths'.
307. The end of the day is near when small men make long shadows.
308. Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
309. Everything is unimportant in some way.
310. Getting lost in another was your first mistake.
311. Doom Metal must have at least 10 times more rules than all the other Metal genres put together.
312. Slow is Doom, but Doom is not always slow.
313. Being Doom is never having to say 'Hello'.
314. Rules teach us how to think in a box.
315. Doom is anything you can get away with.
316. Every human being has to go through some suffering.
317. True™ doomsters form a circle.
318. Don't argue with vangaurds.
319. Don't argue with someone who has talked with God.
320. The underground is supposed to be different.
321. Leave at least 6 years between albums to allow doomsters to fully appreciate them.
322. If Skepticism ever release a Power Metal album, then Power Metal shall be called Doom.
323. False doomsters shall form a loosely defined parallelogram… No, I don't understand it either, but it's the law!
324. Easy on the Magic Mushrooms, man.
325. False people are common. False doomsters are rare.
326. You can't be KVLT DVVM if you don't spell it right.
327. Watch out! Watch out! The Doom Police are about!
328. If you think you're winning, you're probably losing again.
329. Satisfy your fantasies with an insipid functional personal relationship.
330. Forgive your imagination, it's the only thing that won't let you down.
331. If nothing is nothing, then is everything nothing, or is everything everything? Or could it be that somethings are nothing and somethings aren't?
332. Imagine a day without disappointment. Good, wasn't it.
333. If you dwell in a house without love, then you dwell in the house of solitude.
334. Please let me die in solitude.
335. Never mind, soon be dead, hey.
336. Desire is irrelevant. Pain is inevitable. Resistance is futile.
337. In a 1000 years who'll care?
338. Stoner Doom should be played through valves.
339. Stoner Doom should be played in flares.
340. Stoner Doom should be played with attitude.
341. Stoner Doom should be played when you're not quite there.
342. Stoner Doom should be listened to when you're not quite there.
343. Doom is the darkroom where negatives are developed.
344. Don't leave your Iron Monkey alone in a room with your Iron Man. They will either fight, or argue about Doom genres.
345. When the time comes, don't be lost for words, work on your epitaph now.
346. Be cremated in the fires of Mount Doom.
347. Let your negativity float around you like a glorious rain cloud.
348. If something bad is going to happen to you, pretending it isn't won't stop it.
349. Nihilism is good for you. It gives your mind something to overcome.
350. Doom Metal does not need flattery.
351. No matter how good things get, have faith that your capacity to make yourself miserable is equal to it.
352. If you know any of those Doom Rules you are not True.
353. If you don't know any of these Doom Rules you are not True.
354. If someone mentions any of those rules and you show the slightest hint of recognition, you are not True.
355. If you put a 'True Metal' sticker on the front of your new album cover you are not True.
356. If someone ridicules those holy Rules of Doom Metal™ and you fail to fall into the chorus of laughter, you are not True.
357. There is no such thing as Doom Metal.
358. Men sweat in the bellies of machines, and the machines are all bleeding to death, and the flags are all dead at the top of their poles.
359. Optimism can extend your life on average by seven and a half years… You have been warned!
360. Doom is your safe place in an unsafe world.
361. It has to take at least 15 seconds to pronounce the word 'Doom'.
362. Life is a terminal illness.
363. There is slow, there is treacle slow, there is glacial slow, and there is extreme Death Doom.
364. Don't try singing along to Drone Doom, you will sound like a cat on heat.
365. You were right! In the cold light of today, yesterday's dread of tomorrow was completely justified.
366. Yes, a doomster is horrible, ugly and boring. And no, he doesn't care.
367. Become one with your whining.
368. Hope is wasted on the hopeless.
369. "Everything in life proclaims that earthly happiness is destined to be frustrated, or recognised as an illusion" -- Schopenhauer
370. To die willingly, to die gladly, to die cheerfully, is the prerogative of the resigned.
371. When debuting your new album to the music press, avoid making deep statements about the futility of life like "Is this shit ever gonna end?"
372. The only thing more endless than this list is the sorrow of the universe.
373. Sludge doomsters generally shout, Gothic doomsters whisper mournfully to dying roses or pictures of their girlfriends/boyfriends (sometimes both) who have just dumped them, Funeral doomsters make funny gurgling noises as they choke on the noose around their neck, Death doomsters mumble bitterly into their navel, Stoner doomsters talk to the planets baby, Traditional doomsters generally talk about the history of Doom, True™ doomsters talk amongst themselves, Progressive doomsters talk in layers, no one can decipher what the hell Black doomsters are saying except other Black doomsters, Drone doomsters regard themselves as being above talking.
374. Being negative is far more enjoyable than being positive.
375. Being positive isn't an option… what were you thinking!
376. There can never be too many rules for Doom Metal.
377. Never accept a live slot of less than an hour or you will have to play Speed Metal versions of your 4 songs to fit them in.
378. If you can fit more than 5 songs onto one CD (for Funeral Doom see rule 288), you should consider disbanding for fear of corrupting future generations of doomsters with contaminated examples of fast music.
379. Cut out and colour in some life-sized cardboard emoticons and hold them up to your face when people talk to you. Doomsters are far too apathetic to make facial expressions or clear statements.
380. Laughter is for the shallow people who really don't get the complexity of Doom.
381. Gothic Doom is untrue, unless of course you're trying to get off with someone, then it's okay.
382. A classic Doom concert should just have you in the audience. A True™ Doom concert should just have the band. For a concert to achieve legendary True™ Doom status, even the band should not turn up. To go beyond this involves not forming a band in the first place.
383. A Doom concert should never be a sell-out in any sense of the word. For definition of Sell-out, see rule 78.
384. Reality is the enemy.
385. Extreme Doom means if you can hear it, it's too high pitched and piercing.
386. When you sit and listen to a record and the whole room around you starts falling apart, you know it's damn good Doom.
387. Suicide should be punishable by death.
388. The whole point of being a doomster is so that you can explain to people why you're not a goth.
389. Just because 6 trillion, 446 million, 131 thousand, 3 hundred and 99 people say you're wrong, doesn't mean that you are.
390. And just because 6 trillion, 446 million, 131 thousand, 3 hundred and 99 people say you're wrong, doesn't mean that they are right.
391. Doom artwork shall be clichéd.
392. If you lack artistic talent, use Photoshop.
393. See the world in shades of grey.
394. The asylum walls are to keep the criminally insane out.
395. There's no point in upsetting the apple cart, when all the apples are going to roll into the gutter anyway.
396. Get the Doom Rules printed into wallpaper, paper your entire room in them, and make sure to cover all windows and doors so that you can never leave.
397. An optimist wants children, a doomster has them.
398. Clouds do not have silver linings, they are cold, grey and wet.
399. Host your own 'Doom 8' summit of Doom genres and make the Trad Doom rep wear a monk's habit.
Chapter IV
400. Slow is the new loud.
401. If you have the enthusiasm to compile Doom rule 401 then you're in the wrong genre.
402. Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
403. The sum of intelligence of the human race is a constant, shared by a growing population. This explains a lot.
404. The sound of Doom is the sound of a cement mixer slowing filling your room with quick drying concrete.
405. Only when it is dark enough, can you see the stars.
406. There's never enough in the bottle.
407. Doomsters don't take a dump, they expel their life force.
408. Expelling your life force should be done slowly and with great care. It is a precious thing. Take as many hours as you need. The important thing is that your log is unbroken and impossible to flush.
409. Nobody else gets hurt when you're a one-man band.
410. Only borrow money from pessimists, as they won't expect to get it back.
411. Lend us a fiver.
412. Watch out for speed cameras on the stage.
413. If you play faster than 30 bpm, expect a speeding ticket.
414. Doom is when you meet a beautiful woman… and she's wearing a beautiful white dress… and you take her home… and you make love to her all night long… and the next day you find out it's the Pope.
415. You will have reached the point of ultimate doominess when you care so little that you stop listening to Doom.
416. Doom Metal is like changing a baby's nappy, it doesn't permanently solve your problem, but it makes things more acceptable for a while.
417. Uncompromisingly depressive music requires uncompromisingly depressive people.
418. You can't always ignore the genre elite, but you can try.
419. Don't read more Doom rules than your attention span can cope with, else your head will explode. One for the gravestone…
"Here lies [insert name here], who took on two Doom rules. His attention span wandered, and so did his power tool. He sat on his sander, which may sound absurd. By the time he'd exploded, he had polished a turd."
420. A Doom rule a day keeps the Doom Police away.
421. If you can read the book of Doom rules in an evening, then you're reading too fast and thinking too slow.
422. If you are looking for something to put on your gravestone, you could do worse than a few lines from Edgar Allan Poe… "Thank Heaven! The crisis, the danger is past. And the lingering illness is over at last. And the fever called "Living" is conquered at last."
423. Beware of fat ladies singing, it could mean it's all over.
424. Look before you leap, it may not be tall enough.
425. Man that is born of a woman hath but a short time to live, and is full of misery. He cometh up, and is cut down, like a flower; he fleeth as it were a shadow, and never continueth in one stay. In the midst of life we are in death.
426. Happiness is like scratching a rash, pleasures are fleeting, followed by much pain and an inflamed rash to scratch.
427. The boredom of satisfaction will make you miserable. Satisfaction is the death of desire.
428. Desire will make you miserable because it can never be satisfied.
429. If you don't want to make yourself miserable with satisfaction, then make yourself miserable with desire.
430. The more you seek happiness, the unhappier you will become.
431. Failure is the antidote to desire and therefore the only true route to happiness.
432. The way to happiness is a very slow process.
433. If you don't get out much, download a life.
434. In the beginning there was nothing, which then exploded, a bit like you really.
435. In the words of the late, great, Dave Allan "May your Doom go with you"… or was that "your god"? Same thing.
436. You shall never complain about the long list of 'Rules of Doom Metal'. Having a long list is the ultimate Doom.
437. Take a romantic trip down Memory Lane and stay there.
438. We brought nothing into this world and it is certain we can carry nothing out. The Music Industry gave, and the Music Industry hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Music Industry.
439. Your score on the doom-o-meter is proportional to the size of the cross around your neck.
440. You can make yourself feel better by making others feel worse.
441. In band photo shoots, make sure you hold out your arm so that everyone can see you squeeze the invisible Grapefruit of Doom.
442. For enormous invisible Grapefruits of Doom use 2 hands.
443. The light at the end of a tunnel is an oncoming train.
444. Laugh and the world laughs at you. Cry and the world laughs louder.
445. Do what the voices in your head tell you, they know best.
446. So you think the whole world is against you. Doesn't it feel good to be right for a change.
447. Doom has got nothing to do with being a fan.
448. If you're sitting in a rocking chair and you haven't the enthusiasm to get it going, then you're probably a doomster.
449. No good ever came out of enthusiasm.
450. Mutter "But is it Doom?" under your breath at least 5,000 times a day, ideally rocking back and forth.
451. The future remains to be avoided.
452. If you struggle with reality long enough, you will get it exactly where you want it.
453. If nobody knows the troubles you've seen, then you haven't explained them enough.
454. If opportunity knocks, tell it to keep the noise down.
455. In death and in life, there is no forgiveness.
456. The world disappears when you close your eyes.
457. Exploiting the sexuality of bereavement to have sex is not an excuse for necrophilia.
458. Life is like a ten-speed bike, it gives you a sore crutch.
459. If the word impossible isn't in your dictionary, get a better dictionary.
460. eDoomsters disappear when the computer is switched off.
461. You know you have a seriously heavy Doom album on your hands when the postman has to drag the package up the drive.
462. You know you have too many Doom CDs when they collapse into a black hole and suck you in.
463. The great thing about being a doomster is that no matter how badly people behave, they will always live up to your expectations.
464. Nothing is more depressing than optimism to a person with experience.
465. If you can't stand the heat, turn the cooker off.
466. Blessed be the name of rule.
467. A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true, and that'll just have to do.
468. Being ugly doesn't necessarily mean you are doomed to sleep alone… you might win the lottery.
469. There is never any booze in the house when you need it most.
470. You know you are a doomster when you volunteer for a session at the Samaritans and all the callers kill themselves… including the guy with the wrong number.
471. Looking on the bright side of life causes eyestrain.
472. Doom is watching the one you love slowly turn into your mother-in-law.
473. When applying for jobs, put 'Doom' under the section "Any interests or hobbies".
474. To die willingly, to die gladly, to die cheerfully, is the prerogative of the resigned.
475. Getting up in the morning requires routine. Get up, put on some Sludge Doom, put on some clothes (get the order right dummy), look in the mirror and call yourself a worthless piece of shit, then go out and face the challenges of a new day.
476. What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Firstly, don't panic. Secondly, look up 'What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue' in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, it has this to say on the subject: "What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue… Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer."
477. Stool samples are Doom. Having to collect your own is troo Doom.
478. Sloths make good pets for doomsters, just hang them on a tree and forget about them.
479. Tortoises make good pets if you're into long walks, but keep them on a lead to stop them running off.
480. Avoid Labradors, as they are far too excitable.
481. When you come to the end of your rope, tie a noose and hang yourself.
482. Alternatively, when you come to the end of your rope, tie a noose and hang the person who drove you there.
483. Doom is an empty apartment in winter.
484. Friends squeeze the invisible Grapefruit of Doom together.
485. Doom rules about invisible Grapefruits of Doom are like the people who squeeze them... not to be taken too seriously.
486. Don't let the sun catch you crying.
487. Doom is being trapped in a lift with a True™ doomster.
488. Doom is having a body that is decaying faster than your mind.
489. Love is Doom… Misery certainly loves company.
490. Everyone you know goes away in the end, thank goodness.
491. Doom yourself to not hearing the classic Doom albums, your life will be a lot doomier and emptier as a result. Instead, buy them at extortionate prices from ebay, leave them unwrapped by your CD-player, and for the rest of your life, regret your decision.
492. Always do less than is required of you.
493. Get the disappointment over with before you start.
494. If you get the shit of life on your shoe, wipe your soul clean on the Doormat of Doom.
495. Don't say rule #494 too loudly if you are standing under a sprinkler system wired up to a Bullshit Detector.
496. There is no such thing as Doom Metal. This may seem like a repetition of #256, but some things need saying twice. With repetition comes memorization, with memorization comes indoctrination, and with indoctrination, comes THE ARMY OF TROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.
497. Within the mantra of #256 and #497 lies a Da Vinci code telling us that Doom Metal does not exist twice. Are there other dimensions where Doom Metal does not exist, or is it telling us "there is no such thing as no such thing as Doom Doom Metal". Unlocking the key to 'Doom Doom Metal' must become the holy grail of all doomsters seeking enlightenment.
498.
499. Wonder at the profoundness of rule #498, for within its empty blackness lies the infinite tracks of cold space and unimaginable nothingness that reduce our tiny speck of a universe to a singularity in the great scheme of things, and us with it. Even a dot[.] can't beat this kind of emptiness.
It always makes me laugh! I guess there is some truth to it.
It´s pretty cool anyway.
I think he is solely responsible for the last 700 or more of those, and as the rules state them selves; the joke really isn't funny anymore - if it ever even was. More appropriate word would be "retarded", but hey, I guess I never had a sense of humour to begin with!